Wallflower

Hi! I see what you post, and don’t say anything!

Why? You could look at issues like low self-esteem or a superiority complex, but the truth is must more simple than that.

I realized a little while ago that I can look and no one has any clue that I was there. It sounds creepy, and it is! I could fight with posts I disagree with, or updates I find problematic, but the fact of the matter is that I am far too lazy to fight with someone or ellaborate on why they are wrong.

Maybe it is a product of my age. Maybe it is from being beeten down by people flaunting wrong opinions using bad/no research for the last 30 years. Maybe it is because I am non-confrontational.

A big part of it is that I see what someone posts, and I see how some react to it. I do not belong to parts of society that those posts are catering to, and I do not wish to try to change the minds of thousands.

I will speak up if I feel the information being shared is flawed and I have sources to back up why occasionally. Mostly in situations where I feel I actually have a valid and researched opinion. Or, if it is a social issue that impacts me directly. Otherwise, I am not going to fight someone just to fight someone. I am not going to start discourse if it will only change one mind on an issue that will never change.

Some things I will never fight anyone on are:
-female empowerment — Not my place, and if you have archaic views on the topic, society as a whole will eat you alive.
-economics — I have opinions that are bread from observation. Defending my points would be screaming at a wall, and I am far too passive to actually fight someone on the topics. That is regardless of how “right” I think I am.
-raceism/ablism — Either now my place, or society will eat you. I feel I don’t need to justify why I am just going to ignore your post.
-art — This topic has an asterisk on it. I will *discuss* the idea with you, but everyone is aloud to have opinions on art. That is what makes art amazing. We could both experience an expression and get wildly differing views.
-beauty — I feel commenting on someone’s appearence unsolicited to be creepy and unneccissary.

That list is incomplete, but I feel my points are valid.

Is there something you will never voice an opinion on? Even if you really want to?

no god

I found myself really considering the point of religion and faith. In particular, what the Judaeo/Christian structure could do for my life

Once upon a time, I actually considered becoming a man of the cloth. I loved the idea of devoting myself to a higher cause, and belonging to a structure such as, in my case, the Catholic Church appealed to me. Around the age of 13, I was faced with the option of Confirmation in the Church. I decided that, if I was actually going to pay homage to the faith, I should do my reading.

I was appalled at the crusades, the racism, and the blatant contradictions being presented to me. Out of respect for the faith I once regarded so highly, I decided against the sacriment.

I spent the next couple of years teetering on the question of why I was so aghast by things of the past. I learned of the toucher conducted in the residential schools, religions continued existence in politics, and did reading into concepts that buck that mindset which was being dictated by the biggest institutions on the planet.

Today, I found a new question to pose: why?

Why allow yourself to sit in a box created by anyone? Why do you strive to live forever? What is the appeal of coming back to this literal Hell? What’s so wrong with things just happening?

I’m not looking to change anyones mind, but these are actual questions that I cannot figure out the answers to. What is so wrong with living a life of hedonism? Is it so bad that things just H A P P E N? Is there not some extended comfort in the idea that there is NO consequence for actions we make? Am I actually alone is thinking that it would be nice if there was nothing after we die?

i don’t want to human today

Oh, whoah as me. I am having a day already, and it’s not even noon here!

I should elaborate. Nothing has happened, and discussion that I have had so far, but my brain is not my friend right now. No reason in particular; that I can fathom, anyway. I think a big part of it is being overwhelmed by many little things.

The “biggest” thing I have on my plate right now is my new publisher is requesting a list of possible venues for a book tour. They haven’t given me a timeframe that they would like this for, but I have ideas for a multimedia thing. If they are interested in that idea, and once they give me a date to start, I can have the entire thing penciled out in a week. I have at least one artist interested in joining me, once I have more information. At the very least, it will pull some people out. I don’t think I am a big enough draw, myself, to go about this adventure solo.

Unfortunately, time will tell. It’s Saturday, so my enquiries will not be answered until Monday, at the earliest. I know this, and I need to calm down. I don’t even have more worries in regards to that to voice. The possibilities of it are racing through my mind at a lightning pace, and it will probably not even be this year.

There are other things weighing on me, like finishing the rough of the book I am currently working on. I have hit the 20000-word wall that I have hit at least three times before. I know that I can get past that point, but motivation is quickly drifting from my mind. I get so fixated on not wanting to write filler that I keep scrapping new ideas that are probably NOT shit, but I have convinced myself that they serve no purpose than just to pad soemthing. I want to keep my writing engaging. I want the reader to be entertained all the way through. I have read too many books where “chapter three” is just full of words and details for pointless things. Maybe I am just being overly harsh, and I need to just push through my insecurities and write.

It doesn’t help that I feel as though I have been neglecting this site as of late. I have been putting a lot more into my vlog lately. Simply because I feel like I can leave that as is, and only come back to a topic if someone voices an issue directly. No need to justify opinions for something like that because I know issues that could arrise are more valid. I can see what percent of people watch the full video versus this blog where the chance that someone cherry-picks issues without reading further to see if I answer is greater.

I hate the arts/I love the arts.

Also: I’m broke. Please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Music Review :: Karloff

I am writing this with to illuminate one of my favourite releases this year. This album defines chaos to me, and I say that from the best place.

Ten tracks of just madness and noise. I fucking love it so much, and I am actually having a hard time finding the words why without devolving into comparisons that do NOT express this band. They are unique, brutal, lovely, and strange. Did I mention that I love it?

Okay, let’s just get the bad comparisons out of the way. I hear Buried Inside, Tugnut and At the Drive In. That last one is harder to explain, but the vocalist just gives me vibes in that direction. The music is far too heavy to make a comparison that way. Also, some of the juxtaposition of notes used, especially in the song Oceans or Other.

Does not help that I do have personal connection to this band, them being from my hometown and sharing connection with a few of my friends. That does not paint my opinion, however. It just ensured that this beast got on my radar.

Anyway, this post has been a ramble. I mostly just needed to put this on the general scope of everyone. Below is a video for the first single from the album. Personal favourite is Oceans or Other, and it might have become one of my favo

My succinct note is go buy the album from their bandcamp. They are doing vinyl and tapes later, but they don’t have those yet. This is a great holdover until those come out!

Give what you want…?

I read this post on FaceBook today expressing how people who are missing something attainable from their life will give it to others. I cannot get it out of my head and just how depressing the very concept is.

To kind of explain, in a simple way: if you crave being focused on, you will focus on others if no one will focus on you. If you crave being loved, you will love others.

Is that to say that this is a one-to-one thing? Far from. I see it more as an idea than a truth, but it is interesting to think about, regardless. The idea that we, as a species, will fill in perceived gaps in our lives to try to make sure that no one else feels that way.

It also brings up a scary idea: what if the people dishing out “good-feels” get taken advantage by others who also desire that?

Now, a less scary idea that uses the other as a launching pad: what if you make someone stronger because you feel like there is a lack of “X” in the world?

It really does hinge on your perception of the idea of exploitation. If someone else desires what you desire, and you are the only person you see giving that kind of emotion, is it wrong for people to gravitate to you?

I am avoiding going into the topic of hedonism. I don’t know enough about the idea, or the values that are attached to it, but I had to at least mention it so you can see if there is any correlation, if you wish.

Apparently radical?

I was in discussion with someone over the worker shortage being seen in the USA right now. They were saying that no one wants to work because they are collecting CERB and being lazy, and I was actively offended.

Let me be clear: CERB is meant as emergency funds to work with a household income to supplement the financial damage caused by the Pandemic. IF it is actually better to live off that funding than work a job making “minimum wage”, is it not an issue being created by the place of employment?

It’s easier for me to find the Canadian numbers, and I almost promise that our are higher than the American.

In Canada, you get $500 a week. That is barely enough to live on, let alone do anything on. If that is actually better than what you make working 40 hours a week, there is a glaring issue. I’m on disability, and I make half that. Don’t get me started on why that is deplorable, because I will start calling everyone Comrad and my new favourite colour will be red.

So, do I think people should be living off CERB or the equivalent? No, but I also see there being no shame if it is more than you make anyway. I see the shame being with the billion-dollar industries giving people less than a living wage to break their backs making money for a shadow they will never see.

Somehow, this opinion is radical. Please, tell me how I am being radical?