Assume the Fall

I made sweeping promises the other day. I would love to say that I will stay true to the schedule that I mapped out, but if I keep having days like today, I am going to promise that it will not pan out.

Yes, I have been working (pretty regularly) on my latest book. The issue I am having is that there are days, a lot of days, where I don’t feel receptive at all.

For example: today, I am very despondent. I just spent an hour looking at the wall, and was not bored for one second. I usually wouldn’t pay any attention to such an event, but I find myself finding it very hard to work on a project that I won’t get any feedback on for months, if not years.

Yes, even according to my rough “map” I set out, I have until November to produce a final version. I would like to pretend that 14000 words was an impressive point to be at. I have a large portion of events layed out in my mind, and putting them to words would be a quick event. Creating flourishes and riveting events would take a week, at most.

Knowing all of this, why do I not just do it already?

I don’t because I emotionally can’t. It’s not depression, it’s not anger, it’s not explicitly anxiety.

It’s apathy. It’s disdane. It’s hate.

I want to destroy something. I want everything to fall apart around me and drag me into an abyss. I am looking up at the world around me from a depth, and I cannot keep climbing to a ledge. I haven’t even gamed in a few weeks, because I cannot be bothered. I keep trying to listen to music to ease my mind, but I am constantly reminded of what I used to do.

I have even written the next few episodes of my PodCast to try to motivate me to do anything, my last episode only got five views however. It’s hard to keep caring when there is no pressure to do so.

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