I need to be sad.

I wanted to write a very long, and important, post today. I got about half way through when I realized something: it was missing the bite that I had envisioned in my head.

I had this whole monologue about the importance of feeling important. I had a conversation with someone who said that I made them feel like I was the only person who cared most days, and I thought that I was just having a nice conversation with them. I am not a great person, but in that moment, I was the best person they had ever met.

The post I had envisioned was self deprecating, biting, and funny. I had this whole bit about how amazing you are, and how everyone should be treating everyone how they should be treated, not just how they think that they should be treated. I had this concept on how I wanted to show how you should be treated. I had diagrams and pictures and ideas for an interview and…

THEN I WOKE UP AND HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION.

It turns out that I need to be not happy to write anything good. NOT DEPRESSED, but not happy. When I’m not happy, I am willing to be a little darker. I find myself funnier, or failing humour, more interesting. When I am depressed, I’m just a fucking mess, but not happy: it’s more fun to read!

At least, that’s the way I look at my stuff. I have reread stuff that I have written when happy, and I hate all of it. Even when I’m in the same mental state I was in when it was written, I find it boring and uninspired. Even this post I find scattered and annoying.

Maybe I’m manic? I shouldn’t self diagnose. I read far to into different quirks and states of mind when I do that. It’s almost like I become a mental hypochondriac when looking into mental health stuff.

PushingUpRoses did a fantastic video on youtube talking about BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The video is great. My stupid brain was all “I HAVE THAT” until I remembered that I don’t. I know I have friends who have a variation of BDD, and they should really watch that video. Actually, I think anyone who has any interest in mental health should really look into that video. Especially if you think you know everything about mental health, watch that I remember that you know nothing.

For example, I know enough about mental health to admit that I know absolutely nothing, and I think that is a good thing to admit.