I know what I’m on about…

I try my hand at telling you not to love what you love for the sake of art.

I cannot be alone…

I had a troubling thought: am I the only one who thinks so harshly about me?

WOW! I dived right in there. Let me start again.

I have been dealing with self-loathing a lot as of late; however, in truth, I have been dealing with it all my life on some level. I am my example of the worst someone can be. I over analyze ever decision I make, almost to the point of paralysis. I will ignore obvious good ideas because they will hurt someone else. I put off doing things for as long as I can because I don’t want to deal with the fallout today.

Let’s go back to that first line. I am not talking thinking harshly about me. I am asking if anyone thinks harshly about themselves. As in, is self-loathing normal? I am not talking on a “I don’t go a moment without hating myself” kind of way, more of a “I am the worst example of human” kind of way. A more general concept.

The Dream

Yes, everyone dreams. This is not a revelation to me. I am well aware, though I rarely remember them, I do dream every night.

As mentioned, I rarely remember my dreams. In the initial release of my book, I made it seem like I had fantastical dreams that were all-encompassing: I used them to explain my mental state at that moment. They were a great way for me to illustrate the disconnect between where I was and where I thought I should be.

I jettisoned them in the re-release because I felt like the short stories I included better demonstrated the emotion that I was trying to create.

My point that I am trying to get as is that dreams play very little in my day-to-day. I have a very pragmatic look at them, and I cannot accept that they have any greater importance than just “your” brain trying to grapple with the occurences of the day.

Last night, I had a very realistic dream where I was walking around.

I have to state it that way to drive home the fact that it was nothing more than “I was walking.” I wasn’t walking anywhere, in particular. I wasn’t walking in some grandiose fashion, there wasn’t a really cool soundtrack in the background, and there wasn’t even fanfare. I was just walking.

In my dream, I remember that it was a big deal. I remember looking at my wife and gesturing that I was doing it on my own. It wasn’t far, just down a hall. I stopped when the dream ended, and there was no follow up. I just had to tell “you” because I had to tell someone.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure, I guess?

An update on the site

I just updated the PodCast page.

Nothing too exciting, just amended a note on the frequency of updates. I initially put that I was going to do an update on the first of every month, but I have found it difficult to stick to that schedule. Not that it’s too frequency, but instead I am recording them with fervor. I find myself in situations where I am thinking of things that I would rather say in person as opposed to in text.

I am still uploading them as podcast’s on top of the “vlog” styles, because I know there are a few people who prefer that.

I have kind of(?) changed direction. I do them more as a life update, as opposed to my initial plan to stick to the arts. They are still heavily focused on the arts, however. Have I pointed out how important the arts are lately? Seriously: they are important.

I have also been considering dedicating a page to epilepsy and how to deal with. I am woefully underqualified, but I have come across some “important” notes that I feel I need to address: like how you should never put something in the mouth of someone having a seizure. I will leave that to the masses as to whether I write something like that or not. I would need to outsource parts (see aforementioned unqualified), but I feel like I should compile the resources I have. At the very least, I could help save some teeth.

CELEBRATE

Hey! My friend, Joel, requests his friends and acquaintances make him a birthday something. I try to do this every year, usually just a short audio clip. This year, I decided to make a PodCast to him! Yeah, it is kind of not my usual thing, and it’s very short, but it does contain some (what I consider) excellent recommendations for things to look into!

Too Many Ideas

I have been bouncing stories that I wrote to a friend of mine.

The takeaway from the “exercise” is that I need to accept that 2000 words is not long enough, and that I have great ideas that act like an explosion: really cool, but end far to quickly.

I have this tendency to write vignettes: short tales that have a very defined beginning, middle and end that can all be explored in the aforementioned 2000 words. It is not an intentional thing. I never start writing and think “I’m just going to do a short thing today.” I go into a project with the full intention of writing something substantial, but I also refuse to pad things out with bullshit. Nothing kills the pace of a book I am reading more than twenty pages of bullshit bookended by three or four pages of amazing.

I know: I am shooting myself in the foot. If I even wish to be published, I need to flush out the worlds and accept that bullshit is necessary.

In sending my friend parts and pieces of my collection, I came across Elane, which is published in my book.