I just can’t…

The following is a post that I’m writing while I’m depressed. There is no reason to worry, I just thought I’d get my emotions out unedited and maybe this will explain why I am the way I am. Not for you, dear reader. I hope that it will allow for introspection, and allow me to figure out my brain a bit better.

I have, ever since I saw Amanda Palmer, championed the idea that writing while actually depressed is very difficult. I know that, for me, I become hyper critical.

I mean, I looked at the title for this post for about 25 minuets to decide if it was too flashy for this experiment, or not flashy enough. After all: I am trying to garnish an audience. At the same time, I am trying to avoid clickbait and concern.

The pride that I take in the image I portray is pathetic. Even to me. I want to be seen as strong; as a kind of guide for the people that have been struck down later in life by a disability. I don’t have any credentials, but I think I’m doing an okay job figuring shit out.

I digress. What kind of depressed am I today? Just a melancholy level of morose and leads me to come off as caring more than I should. That sounds almost malicious: I should say that I come off as overly empathetic. The feelings are real, but the delivery seems almost fake. I think, anyway. I could be wrong. I just feel like I am costing through the miasma of life, and I will do almost anything that seems like a good idea to someone.

This is the mood I was in when I started smoking. I had a friend who smoked, thought I came off as disturbed, and tossed me a cigarette to help me calm down. I really would never blame my smoking on someone else, but I want to be truthful in this.

So, yeah. This has been a deconstruction of what my depressed brain thinks. If I post this, it will be unedited from this point on. I have done very little in the mean time, and I think I have done okay. I am saying that without reading everything over, so if I’m wrong, all the better.

One thing I do want to say; I am writing about what goes on in my own head. None of this is a representation of depression in everyone. If you are depressed, or know someone who is depressed, contact someone who is trained on how to help.

Anyway, I feel I have rambled on enough. Something I am finding very hard to do is to leave this “article” alone as a kind of stamp and evolution of my mood. I am sorry if it gets a bit rambly at times. I am sorry if this ending is anti-climatic. I feel silly closing off what I wrote with a paragraph like this. I just need to tell everyone, especially you, that it will all be okay. It may not seem like it, but we’ll all survive this hell. Maybe we won’t be able to do it alone, but there is always someone out there. Even when it’s hard as hell to find someone, they are out there. At the very least, you have me.

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5 ways to be happier

  1. Stop assuming everything can be settled in a simple list.

I find it depressing when people turn to lists to better their life. I get the appeal: a list would make everything much easier. There is something comforting to know that changes that are described in one or two sentences can make everything dandy. Life is both more complicated and more diverse than that. I could say five things that are true for me that would have absolutely no bearing on your life. Hell, it’s tempting to do a list for anything.

Top 5 Blog Topics
Top 5 Ways to Make Everyone Love You
Top 5 Top 5 Lists to Shock and Delight

In the event that I do make a top 5, all the numbers would just be 1. “NUMBER 1 IS A REAL SHOCKER!”

I digress. My point is that finding solace in a simple list seems lazy. The overall purpose of at least 70% of the blogs that I have come across is to give insight into lives you don’t have to live. As a blogger, I hope that you can relate to some of the premisses, not the whole story.

“Hey, he died and came back to life! That shows how to cope with hardship!” Or whatever.

It could be compared to your favourite movies. Actually think about your sick-day watch. Do you want the life they lead? Are the good parts good on their own, or are they good because of the difficulty leading up to it?

The only recommendation I could give to living a better life is to just deal with whatever comes your way. THAT’S ALL I GOT! If I had more, I probably wouldn’t have such need to get thoughts out on this page.

Why Blog?

Alternative name for this post was “Why Write?” but I feel like the answer to that is too broad but can still be answered very easily (I have to to get the demons out). For now, I will stick to this topic, because it’s easier to answer and less etherial.

As everyone is no doubt sick of hearing me harp on about, I got sick in 2013. Equally harped about is how I died at least twice, once made very public. I have mentioned how over 100 people showed up to say their goodbyes, to which I am overwhelmed and elated by the show of support for both me and my family. That event really is what got me started on this journey, though. I was both trying to figure out my standpoint on the whole event, and explaining it to everyone. It is nice having a place I can get someone to read a more structured version of the events as opposed to my trying to ramble my way through.

Now, for the less structured explanation. I have to write. I have to do something artistic. It’s like a knife driving into my brain. To relieve the pressure, I need to do something. So, I write. The book came together by accident, and I realize that I enjoyed going down that path.

Another thing it gives me is (at least an illusion of) a voice. I can say things in a public forum and have ways to get feedback. I have, in the past, only received feedback in semi-private areas like FaceBook or Twitter. I always apreciate comments and I hope that, one day, a conversation about the topic I just brought up can happen.

If what I write is not comedy that day, it is meant as a conversation starter. I try to bring up topics to create dialogue. Often, I see the topics as (at the very least) personal issues that people would appreciate discussing. I moderate every comment as to prevent ass-hattery. By that, I don’t mean if someone disagrees with whatever. Just comments like “LAWL YOUR SAD” or whatever because they can be unneeded.

For as much as I write about it, I don’t choose ventures that make money. First music, now writing. I am the worst bread-winner.

Regardless, I am enjoying writing the more blog situation. I get the freedom to express anything I want, and you people choose to read it! Good Lord, you’re all strange…

R.I.P. Tumblr

I deleted my Tumblr today (the 15th of September). The reason for said deleting comes off as mildly petty, but I feel it sound.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a thing making a half-plea to normalize the word “cripple.” I was aware that the article was incomplete, but I was asking the wheelchair community on Tumblr for any help in writing, if they agreed with my point.

The article was up for not two hours before I was forced to take it down. I was being harassed, called the next hitler, called an Abilist, people claimed that I was faking being in a wheelchair to maintain any sort of credibility whilst trying to undermine the community…

Long story short: I took down the article shortly after posting it. I got several angry messages and threats of harm for the next few days, and finally I just killed the whole thing. I just kept the Tumblr alive to post things on my off-days on here, and with the new schedule, I don’t have to worry so much about that.

I will miss a few things, like ‘screenshotsofdespare‘ and ‘sterility‘. Not to mention that Tumblr, as a whole, has a fantastic sense of humour on occasion. I have been taking more of a liking to Twitter as of late, anyway.

Anyway, that is my long-winded explanation of why I got rid of my Tumblr.

Do what you say you will.

Something that has been literally holding my life back is people making empty promises. I couldn’t tell you how often I am told that someone will do something, then either don’t come through, or pretend that the conversation never happened.

Now, it is something entirely different if you say “I’m going to visit every so often” then fail to do so. That falls under the category of wishful thinking. Therefore, you’re a dick, but you haven’t ruined lives or bailed on anything greater than a nice gesture.

The kind of promises that I am talking about is saying something along the lines of offering to pay for a service, only to renege that offer past the point of no return. Especially when the decision was made only because you make yourself available on fallback.

Example: when I published my first book, I did so independently. That is to say that I paid for printing, editing, and distribution. Now, I did this with no expectation to be paid by anyone for doing any of it, but I was promised by a third party that they would reimburse me for what I have put out. I made sure, triple checked, then went ahead with aditional things that made the publication easier. Thing that I would not have bothered with if I wasn’t promised that they would cover the whole cost.

I am well aware that it was expensive: it cost me around three-thousand upfront. My issue lies with the idea that I dropped another two-thousand on advertising and localization that I would not have if I didn’t think that the initial was going to be covered.

Now, is that my fault? I cannot say that it’s not. I didn’t wait for the money to appear before I spent more. If I was smarter, I would have waited for the exchange before I went ahead and dropped more onto that failing venture.

Please, keep in mind: I say failing because I made back about a fifth of what I put into the project. I do NOT regret the book, though I do feel like the rewrite that I have half completed is MUCH better. More news on that in the coming weeks.

That is one, very shallow, example of what I am talking about. I could go into issues surrounding school, medical stuff, rent, dogs, food, and all of this would ignore the times that I have been in a good financial standing and had my questions disregarded to generate a much worse situation. I am not going to bring up spacifics. There is too high of risk of the people involved reading this and realizing that I am talking about them, and I don’t want to deal with any of it right now.

I guess this devolved into a rant about money. Again. It seems to be a reocuring topic on this blog, and I am very sorry about that. I very much wish that I could ignore money and just focus on other things, like writing and walking.

Side-note: does anyone else find it mildly offensive that society puts so much emphasis on walking? I realize that this comes off as me justifying me not walking, but that just strengthens my point. The fact that I don’t walk shouldn’t make me seem like a burden or someone you need to caudle. In fact, what I have survived (both medically and in life) should inspre the opposite reaction from people. I AM OKAY. I WILL SURVIVE.

Another aside, please consider giving to my Patreon. I am okay, physically and mentally. I cannot afford to feed my dogs some weeks, though. I might be okay physically or whatever, but that doesn’t mean that I can hold a traditional job. Plus, everyone is so close to hitting the $100 mark! I want to do something amazing for that number. I want to post something fascinating, or do a video, or bake dinner for people, or SOMETHING. If you have ideas, place them in the comments below. Please, consider helping me hit that mark. Even just a dollar is fucking fantastic. PLUS and the ansP subscription is only $1 right now! That means you get releases early!

i’m changing

Fuck the every Sunday bull that I have been adhering to for just shy of five years. I have many things that I want to say. I write them down, then put them through an editing hell before I decide to not release them because they have become a shell of what they were. They no longer have the teeth or impact of what they did.

On that note: I am boring. I really don’t think I would have enough for two or three updates a week. Some weeks, I go days without anything of note to write down. That, coupled with my Patreon slowly dwindling (which makes it hard to argue when people question why I write) and I find myself either writing entirely too much, or nothing at all.

I’m not demanding money, but I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to $100 a month. I think I topped out at $97? $98?

I am well aware that I was almost at $200 for three months, but that was due to a temporary donation spike that I knew was going away. It feels cheap to use that as a benchmark when I knew that someone was going to give way too much until they couldn’t afford it because they knew their job couldn’t support it.

Anyway, would everyone be okay if i just went to random and abundant updates? It means that I am less likely to take a break, more likely to have actually good content, and I can take care of what presses me when I need to.

Example of that last one: I am an idiot and have two new books on the way. I have NO CLUE when they will even mildly be presentable, I just thought I’d share that factoid.

SEE? I am just going to launch this post up when I am done writing it, and the next one will be on Sunday, as usual. ansP will still come out on the first of every-other month, but blog posts will be sporadic and, hopefully, better. There is a goo d chance there will be more because I like to have traffic!

i’m okay.

Regardless of what that title states, things are far from fantastic. I’m broke, I cannot afford my medication, and my latest book is taking a very long time. So, I’m asking for patience. I need to take a few weeks off so I can focus on other stuff around the homestead. There is an ansP coming on the first of October (Patreon backers already have it), and there is another one lined up for November. In the meantime, I beg that you consider donating to my Patreon. I am so damn close to being at 100 a month. I am eternally grateful to those who have donated so far, especially to Johnny, who has been donating since near the beginning. I write for me first, and for everyone else as a close second. I love doing this, but I need to take care of my mental health right now. I do not have a confirmed return date, but I will make sure to let everyone know when I do. Follow this site, if you are a WordPress user. Find me on FaceBook, if you are into that. Stalk me on Twitter, where I do updates at least once a day.

IMPORTANT [or, the long name; why cripple punk is important]

Today, I did something I should never have done. Today, I looked up the keyword ‘wheelchair’ on Twitter.

Sound innocuous, right? Should just be the occasional stupid thing followed by a bunch of like-minded people discussing wheelchairs, right?

WRONG.

The first page was entirely animals in homemade chairs. Pretty cool designs. Really nifty for the “I love animals” crowd. Then, it was almost a page of tech surrounding wheelchairs. Prototypes, interesting chair designs, cars adapted for wheelchairs… that kind of thing.

I would argue for these kinds of posts existing. They are general knowledge, to an extent. That is not to argue how adorable that puppy is running for, in some cases, the first time in its life.

There was the standard frilly “you can do it” bullshit that seems to be everywhere when dealing with wheelchairs. I get the message, but the words do not fix anything. Plus, it places an unfair standard on those who will never be able to be what you think they should get over. These lines say nothing for those born with physical or mental disabilities…

Again, nice try. The intention is there, and though I personally get frustrated by such public displays, they do not harm anyone. I have never heard someone in a wheelchair get actually offended by these sentiments. Like always, feel free to prove me wrong in comments or whatever.

Then, there was a collection of updates that I was not mentally prepared for, and it corrupted everything I saw prior.

Update after update of companies announcing that they are finally wheelchair accessible. It was all like they wanted a pat on the back or some sort of award for recognizing people as people. It was incredibly hollow and self-serving. People in wheelchairs are, well, people. If you have to MAKE your location wheelchair accessible, you have to MAKE your store/company/whatever usable to a percent of the general public.

Yes, I realize that there in a silly small percent of people in wheelchairs. I will, however, point out that there is a large percent of people with mobility aids. Announcing that your building finally has accessible parking should not effect your bottom line, not having accessible parking should be hurting your bottom line. Finally catching up with the rest of society does not make for a good image. As stupid as it sounds, it’s the wheelchair COMMUNITY. If your place of business is not acceptably accessible, we do talk to one another. We will pass that information to friends, family, and neighbours. We don’t like being patronized, and we REALLY don’t like being singled out because of the wheelchair.

I might be putting my opinion as fact, I am well aware of that. This does not, however, mean that my opinion is only share by me. How many people remain silent because they do not have a soap-box to stand on, or legs to do so?

Cripple Proud

I am a self-proclaimed cripple. There is a lot of discussion whether that is okay or not. I am going to give my 2-cents on that term, and you can feel free to challenge me to a foot race if you disagree with me.

To begin, I do understand the discomfort people have around the word. It is like any derogatory noun, but it just makes people feel dirty saying it as opposed to inciting violence.

The term should be used properly, and be (at the very least) mildly respected. By all definitions, I am a cripple. I cannot walk and I suffer from cranial damage. For me to call me a cripple, it is more in jest than self deprecation. If someone were to describe me as “crippled” I would take it the same as proclaiming that I wear glasses. In that case, it is no more offensive as someone using the colour of my shirt to pick me out of a crowd.

The more taboo phrasing is derogatory. To describe someone using that statement as part of an identifier is one thing. To define someone as a cripple is rather dangerous. Me, for instance, would find it mostly funny. If the topic was about going for a race and someone said something to the extent of “you have the cripple.” I would laugh, probably too hard. If someone came into a room and say “fuck, who let the cripple in?” joking, I would laugh. Really hard, depending on who it was. If someone bumped into me and said “fucking cripple” I would have to restrain myself not to hit something. The first two examples are saying cripple as either a mocking-identifyer or as a statement. The other is out of unnecessary frustration.

Now, I admit, the examples are poor. Anyone knocked by someone who then curses them out would be frustrated. I use that example more to illustrate using the term in passing as an insult. When you say the word to hurt someone, it is wrong, or “dirty.” If someone walks up to you and says “you woman” regardless of your sex, or gender, you would take it as an attack. That does not mean the word woman is bad in anyway.

Anyway, that is my take on calling someone a cripple. I am proud to be part of this community. The collection of differently abled people around are, for the most part, caring and loving. Of course, like every community, there are some bad eggs. My statement to them is that they should not be a bad egg.

Sidenote, if you want to make a pizza delivery person awkward, put ‘crippleparty’ in the comment section for an online delivery. Then, you have to have an obviously crippled party collect the pizza. The delivery person, if they read the comment, will be mortified and not say ANYTHING about it. It’s so good.

Patreon

It’s my anniversary today! I love you, Tash. Always will.

I try not to do posts like this too often, but I have to!

I do not have huge monthly expenses, but I have enough that life is a pain-in-the-ass at times. Cellphone alone costs just shy of 200$ a month, and that is ignoring medication, gas, car, utilities, etc. etc…

I am not asking one person to help me out exclusively, but just $1 a month from each follower on WordPress gives me another $100 on top of what is already being made.

I am beyond excited to be over $90. Tickled, even, and I feel I do not thank them enough. It definitely helped in renewing the subscription to the site, as well as the URL. That was a huge help in getting those mundane tasks complete.

Please, donate what you can. I try to keep on top of bonuses. I understand if I do not get anything from this plea. Please consider it!