see you in prison.

I am filled with glee.

For those who were living under a rock for the last almost-year, Derek Chauvin killed George Floyd during an arrest. I am not qualified to go into details, I recommend reading them yourself if you wish for details.

The short answer to the result was that he was found guilty of all three charges levied against him, including a level of murder. His trial went on longer than I personally think it should have since there was video footage of the event, plus a fair number of eye witnesses.

I have seen a number of people point out how this does not solve racism in the police force, and they are right. This is just one victory that needed to be made out of hundreds that occur each day. One victory in one country, and it is against one man. The whole system in every country needs to be reformed. Racism is only one part of a pie that was cut into very thin slices, and every -ism needs to be corrected.

The one bit that I personally have not seen acknowledged is how this is still a victory, and nothing can change that.

I am saying that as a white man from Canada, so you should take my opinion with a grain of salt. I am disabled, but my plight is more with society as a whole. I will say that a motion towards an and to racism is step to help all minority populations around the world.

Racism continues to be an issue in most countries. Homophobia and transphobia continues to be an issue in almost all countries. Sexism continues to be an issue globally. Disability discrimination continues to be an issue globally.

However, we get to celebrate for the next little while that there is one victory for the black community.

On a cusp…

Hello!

I was looking at my Patreon page the today. I am very close to hitting a milestone that I never thought even MILDLY approachable! Thank you to everyone who does find it in their heart to donate monthly.

To everyone else, please consider. It helps me keep this site up to date, and it helps me to feed my pets! Currently, I do not have the traffic from this site to make it even mildly feasible through ads and the like. Even a dollar a month helps me keep the URLs associated with my corner of the internet active.

Just $1 a month can help feed a family!*

*not really, I just feel like a UNICEF commercial posting something like this. I try to avoid blunt requests like this, but I can almost taste the abratary benchmark.

Stockholm Syndome

Did you ever think about the fact that no one realizes they are in a situation Stockholm Syndrome describes?

I am getting ahead of myself again. Let me define this, give an example, then explain what I mean.

Stockholm Syndrome describes a situation where someone falls in a semblance of dependence on an overbearing situation. The most famous example, also where the name comes from, is a crew of bank robbers enters their intended target. They are there for hours, while police and security arrives on location, but is not able to enter for fear of something happening to a hostage. Over the time that they are kept as prisoners, the hostages start to relate more and more to the insurgents plea. They become sympathetic, some even falling in love with their captures. When the event is finally quelled, police are forced to let the majority of criminals go because no one is willing to give any information to police that would harm their new obsession.

Why would no one be able to identify they are afflicted by Stockholm Syndrome if they are, indeed, in the throws of it? They, by definition, would be so embroiled in a kind of narrative where the person they love could do no wrong.The relationship is never described as symbiotic. There is always described a strong power imbalance that favours the target of “desire”. If someone realised that they were giving in to this kind of pseudo-machasistic machination, it would cause the illusion to falter. They would, by acknowledging this, be admitting that their “captor” is bad, therefore, accepting what everyone is trying to tell them.

If you suspect that someone is stuck in the middle of some sort of power vacuum, start interrogations by asking them their opinion first. Launching into why they should be more worried could just cause them to real back and ignore everything they are saying. No one likes being reminded that they are weak. However, if you voice it as noticing something off and highlighting the issue instead of condemning, you will probably have a better chance of cracking a fincade.

In a situation like this, be prepared to cause a chain reaction. Make sure that before you remove a brick, you can have things in place to save the person you are trying to help. There is always the chance that pointing out an issue will wake someone from not thinking things are that bad, to noticing how everything is horrible and they don’t know how to fix it. If you can put out a hand to assist, that could make everything clearer. Just keep yourself open, keep your thoughts pure, and make everything you say as truthful as possible.

Yes, I am aware that Stockholm Syndrome (as a term) has been discredited. I am using the term as a shorthand that a majority of people will understand.

this is normal

It turns out that epilepsy is linked to depression. I thought I was just feeling down because, even after seven years of dealing with it, I never quite got okay with being in the wheelchair. My mind also played with the idea that it is because I’m not playing on stage anymore: maybe it’s a kind of withdrawal?

No. As a friend of mine put it, “all this brain stuff effects depression”. See, she also suffers from epilepsy, and has for a very long time I asked her, flat out, if this is “normal” because I knew that, of anyone, she would know.

Actually, I told her my findings and asked her if she felt down and if she could link it to her depression. Well, I asked her all of that in a less rambly way.

I am not using this as a crutch.
I am not putting all past and future actions on this one fact.
I AM looking into it to explain some things I have said to myself. To come up with some sort of reason for things said that I normally would never dream of. This helps me understand and rationalize some of my less-desirable traits that have come to my attention as of late. Not excuse reactions away, but explain why I might say or do something completely out of character.

I feel like I have to express this the most public way I have available to me.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU: that is a blog post.

My reading was from this site, and it really does explain epilepsy and depression in an easy-to-read way.

Self-Editing

I feel like I have gone on this rant in prior updates, but I am going to speed ahead without double checking because it is relevant again today.

As per usual, I have been writing again. Well, I have been looking at the 40 pages that I have so far smashing my head against walls trying to get the motivation to continue writing again. Yes, I have everything mapped everything out for the next hundred-or-so pages, but I find the will to go forward hard to find through the gluttony of worries that my idea is too far ahead of what I am capable of as a writer right now.

I have always been the last person to add to a project. I am a drummer. I am the guy who edits, cleans, and I was a salesperson selling someone else’s dream for my entire adult life to this point. Even the book I did write is a recollection of events I went through, and therefore did not require much imagination on my part.

All of my thoughts on the idea reminded me of editors and just how much I would love to be one. Kind of: I could only imagine the horrible script they read on the daily and just have to focus on tense, grammar, and speeling. I do not envy them in that regard, and I tip my hat in their direction. I have had my friend Luka edit my stuff in the past, and I had an editor (who did a less-than-perfect) on the first draft on You’re Not Dead.

The idea of editing my own stuff seems ludacris to me. Trusting me to fix a mistake that I made makes no sense. I made the mistake because, likely, I assumed that it was not a mistake. To assume that I would find it on subsequent read throughs is silly, to put it politely. Especially when it comes to things like tone and tense. There are things that I hear in my head, and there is a VERY good chance they are wrong.

I recently got my friend Hannah to read over what I have written so far in my next work. She criticised my dialogue as feeling manufactured. That is a comment I have gotten in the past, and a trap that I cannot seem to figure out how to rectify.

Well; check that. I do know that I can rectify it, and will in future publications. My frustration is that, in the piece, it was SOMEWHAT intentional. I AM NOT SAYING THAT SHE IS WRONG FOR CALLING ME OUT ON IT. This brings me back to my point of self-editing a work. I know what my end intention is; I know my writing can feel stilted, if not robotic at times. I just don’t know how to not be that way where the end justifies the beginning. I want my writing to be enjoyable all the way through, and not to just have an “ah-hah!” at the end. Unfortunately, shy of co-writing, I have to somehow fix the way my brain deals with conversation and abstract thoughts myself.

Self-editing is like teaching yourself sex through masturbation. Parts can be achieved, you may personally enjoy the end result, but everyone else will just be bored.

The worst bear.

Hi. My name is Jason Garden and I am not who you think I am.

I try to be a good person. You may even assume that I am not that bad at all, but you would be remiss for assuming that.

part of the issue is that I have to go out of my way to be agreeable. It does not come naturally to me, but I act like it does. Quite often, my “heart is in the right place” but my words paint a picture that I do not intend.

I am not a good person.

My self-awareness in this regard may create a false sense of security. Due to my warning you, it could be seen as some humility. This could be completed as me trying to be better.

I am not a good person. The reason I say that is that I keep trying to change to no avail. I continue to be this arrogant, self-serving, elitist ass hole that I have always been. I am sorry. You have been warned.