Explanation

I made my post last week kind of vauge and horribly daunting.

I am NOT giving up, I am just saying that I have to take more time to write updates to avoid ones like last week. They have gotten lazy and messy, and I am sorry about that. Between my wife and I being horribly sick, and our pug having SIX puppies, I am pulling out my hair and my updates have seemed less that genuine. I want to avoid that. I need to avoid that.

Something fun that I came up with over ten years ago! I used to do depressing status weeks on my Facebook. I think I am going to block a week off later this year and do an update everyday that week with the most depressing (yet hilarious) things that I can think of. Not sure when, and not sure if they will be full posts. I am positive that not everyone willl like them, and some may even be offended enough to leave. This will not change how much fun it would be!

OH! I am writing this on the 14th. Happy PI Day!

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Don’t Give Up

This is a response to my to the question of Giving Up. I have championed in a few interviews that I have done over the last few years that giving up is harder than not. I was recently asked to explain my perspective by the editor of a blog. I will keep my answer pragmatic and I will avoid bringing spiritual and etherial concepts into it.

I have, in some capacity, tried to kill myself two times in the past. My reasons were always in response to my life getting too hard, and not being able to see some sort of end to the “torture” that I was going through.

To be clear, the reasons I put torture in quotes is because, in retrospect, the trails and tribulations I was experiencing was juvenile and petty. At the time, however, I felt them too strong to ignore and I was having a hard time even leaving my room due to the fear of having to deal with them in any matter.

When I became bound to a wheelchair, I was forced to face my family and friends all trying very hard to keep me alive. They wanted, even needed, to see me succeed. They put all their resources into making sure that I could see tomorrow. This was not regardless of what I wanted, even if it felt like it some days.

After a short time, I noticed that me giving up would destroy them far worse than me continuing to breathe could ever destroy me. I had, by complete accident, become a reason for them to continue. It might not have been entirely true, and it might be selfish for me to think that way. I will concede that I made this leap of logic without consulting anyone around me.

The most shattering thing for my death wish was seeing the pages, literal pages, of goodwill that my friends had written on public forums. For all intents and purposes, I was not a great person. Everyone else was telling me otherwise.

What was my take-away? That if i died, I would be crushing everyone that has ever taken part in my life. Would anyone understand the issues that I face on a daly basis? No, and that is a good thing for them. This should not make me lonely. This should not make me seek isolation or death. I need to keep going to show everyone what can be done. I need to tell my story whenever I get the chance so that no one wonders. I need to explain how my nerves are shot, my brain is damaged, and my body is broken. I need them to see how fantastic everyone else has it and I need to make sure no one else goes through anything similar if it is avoidable.

Is that vain? Maybe. It helps me get through my day, though. It is what I need to keep going. Writing this blog and sharing my perspective is far more cathartic to me than maybe it actually helps anyone else. I write for me. I do research for this blog, and in the mean time I learn far more than what I write. Does that make me an expert? I actually had to force myself to finish that thought without interrupting it because I find the very concept hilarious. Is anyone an expert in fields like these?

Does my bleak outlook help? Maybe. Does art, writing, and music help? Again, maybe. It helps me. It reminds me who I was/am and helps me focus.

Do I actually believe my statement? Very much so. Am I chastising those who couldn’t do it? Very much no. I am saying that I get it. I know life can be overwhelming at times, and I know how bleak life can be. You do not need to suffer from a chronic illness or brain damage to feel hardship. Life is difficult. Anyone who say “can be difficult” is underselling just how crushing day to day can be.

Just remember that someone, somewhere, needs you to see tomorrow. You know that person you haven’t seen in a decade? Yeah, they need you. That guy who just wrote a page worth of bullshit on the internet telling you that it’s okay to feel sad? They need you, too.

Now, in response to those who became disabled later in life and feel like a burden. I get feeling like a burden to your family. You have no way of rectifying such an event, and you never asked to be put into the situation you find yourself in. I get it. I was just starting to gain my independence at 24, and I was stricken down by encephalitis enduced by, what they assume was, meningitis. I had to keep remembering that if my parents did not want to do what they did, they didn’t have to. I had to keep reminding myself that, though it would be caused of them, they did not have to keep doing what they were doing. If I was a true burden, I could have been placed into a home and ignored for the remainder of time. They didn’t, because it would be ridiculous if they did.

Friends and my wife I put into a similar category. I have lost friends. I have disappointed my wife. I have never hid my capabilities, I have also tried to make everything better. I probably exaggerate my disabilities in my mind towards some situations, but I don’t want to be a disappointment later.

I digress.

What I do have to remember is that they would leave if they found me an actual hinderance. My wife would divorce me if I was an actual burden to the household. I cannot work, so I write. I am always trying to cover my expenses for the household.

The point I am trying to make in this ramble is that, you might feel like a burden and that life would be easier without you, but that is wrong. Very wrong. People who you don’t really know might need you.

Oh, you didn’t know? You matter more than you realize.

I love you.

Pets v. Chair

It is not a secret that I have many pets. My wife and I currently have a Dachshund named Rudy, a Schnauzer named Theo, a Pug named Tina, and a cat named Groot.

Is it easy to take care of animals while in a wheelchair? No. If they decide to run away from me for whatever reason, they can win easily by putting a box between us. I will admit that it is hilarious when they hide under the couch thinking that they won, only for me to lift the couch. Their eyes bug out and they get very docile.

The one thing that is very nice the cat takes full advantage of is that I am always sitting. The cat loves the moving platform in which he gets to sit.

I single out the cat for that last point, but they all love it. He just takes the most advantage of my position.

Issues I have include walking them, but it’s only a minor thing. If they do their business on grass, there are times that I cannot reach it. Luckily, I am usually with my wife and she collects the “gifts” and disposes of them

A Bit Of Light Housekeeping

I updated a link in the interviews page from a YouTube video to the proper web link. I hope that works better for everyone!

~”New” Video

The other day my parents sent me a rather unnerving question. They had found an old video recorder, it was full, but had one video. There was no further information than that.

I was not a bad kid. I would not have recorded anything damning. Not usually, anyway. Still, my blood ran cold at the thought of what I found interesting enough to record.

Turns out, it was me drumming for just over three minuets.

It didn’t suck.

I use the quotations to emphasize the video is new TO THE INTERNET! It was recorded several years ago, and it cuts off randomly. Sound quality is shit, but I was near the top of what I could do musically. Judging by the recording and how it randomly cuts off, I think the really impressive stuff was played just after the end. That does not excuse that the video is still kind of neat, and contains a being not massively explored.

Give it a watch! Let me know what you think.

Just a reminder that Martha comes out on Friday. I am super proud of it, and excited to see what everyone thinks. This also means there will not be a “plain text.” update on Sunday, but I will return the week after with more information and, hopefully, Good News!

…so this is the New Year…

I have not worked in the music industry, in any capacity, for over five years. That means that I have no idea what came out in the last year that I can bring your attention to in the music world.

This also means that, minus Netflix, I am at a loss for pretty much all media.

I can say what I have been binging for the last year! One of those has actually come out in the last year, and a few of them are continuing from years past with this being one of the most impactful seasons ever!

Bojack Horseman is firmly in a position of power, being as it is one of my favourite things ever made. The new season is much less funny than last, but far more poignant and important. It brings a much needed spotlight onto pharmaceutical addiction and trounced on taboos regarding storytelling. I will point out that it is, by far, my favourite show of all time. I find it unapologetically blunt and almost vindictive, but there is no direct target.

Archer had its eighth season, and it was in the same vein as Bojack: horribly nihilistic and not as in-your-face funny as it has been in the past. This does not change how it is still one of the most important comedies on TV. 
On a personal note: I enjoy how it can be equal parts incredibly offensive and the least offensive show ever. It attacks a situation, then mocks its own joke within moments. Does not make it less rude, but it does say “fuck you” when it comes to politically correctness.

Maniac I cannot say anything on, but I do have a duty to say something. I have not finished the series, but I find it incredibly intriguing so far. Maniac reminds me of something Michele Gondry would have directed. I am sure that I will have greater opinions on this as time moves forward, but it stands that I am more than willing to state this as the greatest creation ever.

My wife and I just marathoned Haunting of Hill House. It’s fucking fantastic. As much as it is a regular horror show, I could not ignore the commentary that was being made in response to mental illness. It puts a spotlight on the delicate way to talk about and deal with others who have a hard time with reality.

I must say: I am excited beyond belief at the future of visual cinema. This world that is being created is one of binge watching and experimentation.

With that said: we could see the experiments end abruptly if there is little to no support shown. Outside of Stranger Things, there has been little visible excitement over the trend-bucking shows and movies that have come out as of late. Will this spell doom for them? Or are we looking at a kind of renaissance that we have not seen since the 70’s.

*crying intensifies*

The benefit of having a birthday when I do, is that I can use it as a kind of marker for when I should stop making content and start focusing on the season. Yes: this is my polite way of saying that I will not be making any more posts on this site until the new year.

I will still be putting You’re Not Dead ch. 2 up for December first.

I also promise to write something for Margaret before the new year. She requested an idea for a story that will take some time to research and orchestrate. I will post that in the new year (probably February) and it will be amazing.

I will be updating November twelfth (tomorrow), twentieth and December 25th. I will return January ninth with a recap of the past year. I have ideas for an album review, as well as I need to finish that short story that I was prompted for by Martha. I hope I can make that dream come to reality. I really like what I have in mind.

I love you.

Also, do not forget to take a moment of silence for the fallen soldiers of World War 1 & 2 today. I cannot bring myself to care about most events, but I always make sure to do at least that much.

The Profits of Boredom

Ironic sounding title, but I owe a huge bit of gratitude for “boredom”

I starting writing because I felt, probably unwarranted, that I had found everything that could express my views on life. When I found myself restricted to a wheelchair and, with the kind of damage to my brain that lead to epilepsy, I started to write. It started with my views and opinions based around what happened so I could become okay with it myself, because it was very unexpected. Then, I started writing to fill my time. I really do not care if other people like what I put on the screen if I am entertained by it.

Thankfully for me, there is an interested community for what I have written, and it seems to grow with every release I make. It is a kind of masturbation: a way to relieve myself of my artistic drive, now that drums and touring are no longer an option.

I recently found writings I did when I was in high school. There is one, in particular, that I plan on cleaning up and creating a narrative around. As it stands right now, it is nothing more than a snapshot of where my mind was over ten years ago. In a way, the piece was my introduction into the world of fiction writing. I remember that I just finished reading Dente’s Inferno, and I absolutely played the “I’m 18 and I am deep” card, but I still enjoy the basic premiss, and still use it as a type of template for what I write.

Now, am I still writing exactly like I was back then? Hell no. I would write simple journal entries as entities that never actually existed. Most of them are just depression fodder and fed my need to express my distaste for the world as a whole. Now, I strive to explore a side of the human psyche that may not ever get expressed. I want people to look at situations they are in and think about how, if they were a little more detached, they might react differently. I want to expose human flaws and call into question the societal norms that we all feel pressured to display.

***
So, I wrote this piece all because I was listening to the band with the greatest name of all time, “…and you will know us by the trail of dead”. I got into this band when I started working in a record shop and was looking for something new and not scream-y to put in the store payer. I did some research, and found out I could play that band with the amazing name. I was initially caught off guard with how ’90’s alternative they were. They were kind of that band I did not know I was looking for. I started with the album “Source Tags & Codes” but any album they released is joy to the ears.

Please allow my digression: I was going through all of my music when this song came up. I immediately loaded the full album and wrote this all out. My point being, music very much influences my writing style and mood.

Side note: this link is for the vinyl, and I wish I had that. If you purchase it (or already own it), let me know how amazing it is.

Again?

Guess what happened this week?

WE BLEW ANOTHER FUSE IN THE APARTMENT!

I would not find this SO bothersome except that the chart showing which fuse is for what is so worn out that I have a better time reading Mandarin than I do trying to figure out what the fuck I am doing.

I had an interesting idea for a post! I don’t have time to get it all ready before this goes live, so it will have to wait a week. Though not research heavy, I want to make sure that I get my facts correct. I also plan on garnishing a few opinions from the wheelchair community. This way, if my writings are wrong, I cannot take full blame!

So, yeah: be on the up-and-up for that next week.

In case, for whatever fucking reason, you want to help: the topic will be on learning to move in a wheelchair. Leave me a comment, and we’ll talk. I have some metaphors and tips lined up.

I am going to take advantage of this post to gush about my favourite EP. “Everywhere and his Nasty Parlour Tricks” is one of Modest Mouse’s many EPs that they have released over their long career. This particular one came out in 2001, just before “Good News for People Who Love Bad News.” It feels like it. All of the floaty guitar lines and strange, yet horribly brilliant, lyrics. It was so close at hitting my top list that I published a while ago

I have been asked why I don’t link the albums/books I am talking about, but funny story: I DO! The image below the post (and above this explanation) is a link for the Amazon page for the item in question. Usually, it is right to the Amazon store page. Sometimes I can only find an independent seller. Anyway, I am sorry to get so condescending about this, I just wanted to put the explanation somewhere to quell any further inquisitions.

Books I read? REHASH [Now with links!]

I AM BRINGING THIS BACK
NOW BETTER THAN EVER!

The second of anewsinPublishing got released yesterday, so I have been too busy getting the advertising ready for that. I hope you all liked it! Hannah is a good friend of mine, and it feels like she has been one for many years. I truly loved the piece she submitted! The next one (which is to be released on the first of October) is one that I am very nervous to share with all of you. I have NEVER written like this before.

At the bottom of each blerb is a photo of a version of the book, that is actually a link to the Amazon listing for that book. Give it a tickle and consider buying it. It helps me a lot.

1984 by George Orwell
I am going to start this list off with a classic that people have either read, or know out of its impression on the world, as a whole. The description of this horrible world that is too close to the one we live in now is what attracted me to this book. It describes things in our modern world almost too well considering that it was written over 50 years ago. Details are visceral and almost disgusting, but the book always maintains a glimmer of innocence. Please note that I said innocence and not hope. There is little to no hope in the world that is constructed by George Orwell. I love this book.

jPod by Douglas Coupland
Hilarious in the most bizarre way. The book follows a collection of programers at a video game studio based in Vancouver, Canada. With that said, the location does not actually matter all that much, the tale focuses more on the strange, yet relatable, experiences of one member of the tea, n particular.Pot, lesbians, and normality is the bread and butter of this tale, and if that does not even skim the surface of what is in this strange tale.

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
My favourite book, by far. I cannot go too far into specifics without giving away parts of the plot, because it is hard to pinpoint what exactly is a spoiler. Maybe it is because I know the ending I am saying that, but it is one of those tales that you can figure everything out in the first 100 pages, if you are really good. Disgusting, beautiful, demented, hilarious: this book has everything. I want to recommend it to people who enjoyed Fight Club, but it belongs in Sci-Fi just as much as any other genre.

Wheel of Time by Brandon Sanderson
Fantasty. Next!

Okay, I will put a little effort into this. Think Lord of the Rings without being so impenetrable. It is a series, but it is good enough to keep reading past the first book, yet light enough to make it feel like you are not wasting braincells on trivial details and non-sense. No offence to LOTR fans, I love those book. I am most saying that if you like LOTR, you should have already read these books. If you did NOT like LOTR, I get it: reading those can feel like a never ending slog to figure everything out. Especially when you finish the main trilogy, find out and read the Hobbit, the realize the Silmarillion exists, then the extended universe created by the games and movies…

I FORGOT ONE IN THE INITIAL LIST!

Serial Killers Club by Jeff Povey

Probably the darkest, yet still the funniest read on this list. I am embarrassed that I forgot to put this the first time I did this list. It contains the same insightful outlook that you would find in something like Without A Clue which, for those who do not know about that classic movie, is a look at the mystery genre through the eyes of an idiot. The story follows a man who kills killers by accident. My description does not do it justice, but just read the first few pages and you will fall in love with this endearing, twisted, yet still fantastic read.

***

Oh, there are many more, but none stick out like these. This post was inspired by To the Salt of the Sea. She publises some amazing works and I am a huge fan of her. Show her some love, tell her I sent you.

Also, remember that I am publishing a short story on October first, as well as announcing the next piece.

~Early ANSP Sample Release

I have made available the first bit of Octobers release titled “Sophie” over on the anewsin Publications page. Take a look, let me know what you think!

Also, the Patreons have had the upcoming Almighty Human release sent to their inbox as of last week. If you would like to receive releases a few weeks early, consider donating! It is only 3+ a month!

Also, the next blog post (September 2nd) will be on the books that I recommended a while ago, but with purchase links for Amazon! I will also be touching up what I said, and making it more coherent. Also might contain a book that I forgot to put on the initial list because I am horrible…