The Fog

I want to preface this piece off by mentioning that this is all self-observation. There are a tonne of people a lot smarter than me who have written about the topic of brain fog, so all I can offer to the world is my personal experience with it. Therefore, this should not be taken as a scientific dive into that world. I know I don’t need to say that I am some kind of professional, but I am stating it in the off-chance that someone takes my words as more than a morbid kind of entertainment.

I shouldn’t be writing this. I shouldn’t be doing much outside of watching something — maybe sometime with cats or puppies being stupid. My ability to rationalize is very hampered right now.

I feel drunk, without the physical side-effects. I feel sleepy, but I tried to nap and got nowhere with that. I feel distracted, but hyper focused on the wrong things.

I call it brain-fog because I read that term somewhere and, regardless if it’s a one-for-one description, it is very apt at describing what I am currently feeling. Ironically, I only seem to see it mentioned when I’m in this state and, thus, cannot comprehend what I’m reading.

ISN’T IS GREAT THAT I AM TRYING TO WRITE SOMETHING IN THIS STATE OF MIND?

No amount of caffeine can fix it. As mentioned, I tried to sleep and got no where with the endeavour. I just ate not long ago, and I had a drink of water to see if that would clear things up. Thankfully, when I have experienced this in the past, it only lasts a day or two. I think. I hope. What if this is a permanent state, and sometimes I just notice it more than others?

I hope you enjoyed my last update on my YouTube channel. I know I come off as very rambly, but everything I say is mildly scripted. At least, to a point where I have an idea of how long the final product will be. That’s why I released the last one as a “short”. Now that I have opened up that option for myself, I will probably record a couple more. I will not be releasing them right away as a PodCast, instead opting to smash them together after five or so. That way, if you do follow the audio-only format, you won’t be inundated with short episodes.

Oh, update on the new book: currently sitting at just shy of 22,000 words. It’s half going well. I wanted to be a lot further, but it’s only the first draft that I wanted to be complete by the end of the year. I hope that I can write another 3000 words without succumbing to unnecessary bloat. Then, I will spend far too long making it prettier and longer!

no god

I found myself really considering the point of religion and faith. In particular, what the Judaeo/Christian structure could do for my life

Once upon a time, I actually considered becoming a man of the cloth. I loved the idea of devoting myself to a higher cause, and belonging to a structure such as, in my case, the Catholic Church appealed to me. Around the age of 13, I was faced with the option of Confirmation in the Church. I decided that, if I was actually going to pay homage to the faith, I should do my reading.

I was appalled at the crusades, the racism, and the blatant contradictions being presented to me. Out of respect for the faith I once regarded so highly, I decided against the sacriment.

I spent the next couple of years teetering on the question of why I was so aghast by things of the past. I learned of the toucher conducted in the residential schools, religions continued existence in politics, and did reading into concepts that buck that mindset which was being dictated by the biggest institutions on the planet.

Today, I found a new question to pose: why?

Why allow yourself to sit in a box created by anyone? Why do you strive to live forever? What is the appeal of coming back to this literal Hell? What’s so wrong with things just happening?

I’m not looking to change anyones mind, but these are actual questions that I cannot figure out the answers to. What is so wrong with living a life of hedonism? Is it so bad that things just H A P P E N? Is there not some extended comfort in the idea that there is NO consequence for actions we make? Am I actually alone is thinking that it would be nice if there was nothing after we die?

The Worst.

Well, FUCK ME I GUESS! I have not been writing, like, at all. Whether here, books, other sites, NO WHERE.

I am sorry. I do not have a solid excuse, at least not one I want to share right now, but I will correct it.

I promise.

Seriously!

Stop laughing.

Silence V Misguiding

I was going to record another Vlog today. It was going to be in regards to the found bodies of indigenous children in residential schools across Canada. Like most, I am disgusted. Embarrassed, even. The very fact that my country could even be associated with such atrocities is hard, and I’m the last person to show any national pride.

So, if I feel so strong, why didn’t I record the condemnation that I have in my head?

There are a few different reasons why I didn’t. The first, and most important, is that I am not qualified in the slightest to say anything. I have nothing new to bring to the table, and my addition to the conversation would be little more than noise in a cacophony of voices. The last thing I would even want to be mildly responsible for is being louder than someone who matters more.I haven’t done the necessary research, and I get way too angry to be objective with any information I do find.

The second is that I have started to cultivate a reputation as someone focused more on the arts. Bad excuse, I am well aware. Hell, between the podcast and the youtube page, I have accumulated a bit over 500 plays of my ramblings. There is FAR from enough information to actually state that I have garnered a “reputation”.

The third is that I feel like I have nothing substantial to add. Even in writing this, I feel like I am downplaying the importance and gravity of the situation in Canada. I refuse to use any tags that could take away from more important articles, and I am using this as more of a damnation of this country.

The end point is that I have no idea what to do. I have no clues on how to make this all better. I am upset. I am disgusted. Fucking own up to your BS. Fuck this country. Fuck Christianity. Go find (and share) links to Indigenous works of art; whether they be music, film, or stage.

Argue better.

Yeah, I’m going to continue on with me bitching about how people talk to each other.

I was having a conversation with my friend Roxanne, and we got discussing the “whataboutism” in regards to the government refuting allegations of systematic racism in our past. He compares us directly to the United States, then refers to how we are not as bad as them.

In making such a ridiculous argument, he basically says that racism is okay if there is someone MORE racist than you. (one of many articles.)

It got me watching an old Idea Channel video (link.), which I highly recommend. In the video, the presenter outlines several examples of argumentative fallacies that are common, especially on the internet.

I am not, like the presenter makes clear that he is not, stating these are intentionally done. God knows, I am notorious for presenting rebuttals in similar ways, noting the “Strawman” in particular. It is, however, important that we notice these in our arguments and try to avoid them.

The only functional way to avoid making these stupid, stupid arguments that I have come up with is to take your point stand-alone. Consider if it can be refuted. Also, consider if you want to have a discussion, or just harpoon the whole conversation.

Having arguments, like the ones detailed in the video, do NOT win arguments. They do NOT change minds. They do, however, stop the argument from spiralling into a pissing match. They can also cause a pissing match that functionally ends the conversation.

Roxanne and I had quite the excellent conversation surrounding the topics of censorship, gender politics, and company responsibility. I am still deconstructing bits of it, but I am sure that I have enough material in that conversation for at LEAST one more blog post.

Roxanne: I am not sorry.

It’s not a competition

Okay, this is a tricky post, but I find myself needing to say something.

There are people who will compare their situation to yours. I am not saying that is OBJECTIVELY a bad thing, but I am saying that there are some situations where you need to just nod a smile.

Now that people have stopped reading a decided that I am just pissing in the wind, allow me to elabourate.

Life is not a competition. If someone is having a bad day, they really do not need to hear about how your day is worse.

COUNTERPOINT: You may have opened the floodgates to someone who just really needs to talk. Maybe they aren’t trying to compete, but they don’t have an avenue to release their pent-up anger.

My point is: there is no winner if you are trying to out-“I have it worse” each other. We’re all in horrible situations all the time. This century has not been kind to a majority of people, and the future is terrifying to anyone who is looking forward. Everyday, there seems to be a study explaining how you are going to die and the blame falls on you OR on someone that you know won’t change anything for your sake.

Somehow, blame and change have become political. It has been proven in the past few weeks regarding Canada’s failure to accept blame for their part in the residential schools across the country. I am not a professional, and I have not done enough reading to feel comfortable pinpointing where to get the most accurate reading material on the topic, but a quick search on the ol’ internet will give you so many hits.

Okay, I need to get off the political soapbox that I have constructed yet stumbled over.

My point still stands, however. Life sucks, so there is no point in competing to have it harder. Maybe, just an idea, instead of putting a fuck-tonne of burden on someone ranting, give them a heads-up that you have a relating issue that you need to talk about. Maybe, give a warning before unloading about something else.

There is always the risk that they will listen.

I cannot be alone…

I had a troubling thought: am I the only one who thinks so harshly about me?

WOW! I dived right in there. Let me start again.

I have been dealing with self-loathing a lot as of late; however, in truth, I have been dealing with it all my life on some level. I am my example of the worst someone can be. I over analyze ever decision I make, almost to the point of paralysis. I will ignore obvious good ideas because they will hurt someone else. I put off doing things for as long as I can because I don’t want to deal with the fallout today.

Let’s go back to that first line. I am not talking thinking harshly about me. I am asking if anyone thinks harshly about themselves. As in, is self-loathing normal? I am not talking on a “I don’t go a moment without hating myself” kind of way, more of a “I am the worst example of human” kind of way. A more general concept.