Personal Goal

Yay! My favourite topic to write about: social interation!

As of writing this, I am at 286 followers on WordPress and four through e-mail. Those numbers make me so happy because it means there are 290 people (or, at least, entities) who think that I am interesting enough to follow!

I want to hit 300 by the end of the year.

Why? My ego. Nothing else.

I probably SHOULD be pushing my Twitter since I have over 2X the followers on here. I should also probably push my Patreon so I can afford rent and whatnot. However, there is something about knowing that I might have people interested about this that makes me so happy. I think because this is a form of expression, where Twitter is simply snapshots of thoughts that I am having at the time.

Oh: I am also at 28 followers on my YouTube, but I have only been doing regular-ish updates for a year, so I am not going to fight that one.

Do me a favour: share a link to this blog if you have friends who might be interested in what I write about. Make my small dream of 300 followers this year come true!

i don’t want to human today

Oh, whoah as me. I am having a day already, and it’s not even noon here!

I should elaborate. Nothing has happened, and discussion that I have had so far, but my brain is not my friend right now. No reason in particular; that I can fathom, anyway. I think a big part of it is being overwhelmed by many little things.

The “biggest” thing I have on my plate right now is my new publisher is requesting a list of possible venues for a book tour. They haven’t given me a timeframe that they would like this for, but I have ideas for a multimedia thing. If they are interested in that idea, and once they give me a date to start, I can have the entire thing penciled out in a week. I have at least one artist interested in joining me, once I have more information. At the very least, it will pull some people out. I don’t think I am a big enough draw, myself, to go about this adventure solo.

Unfortunately, time will tell. It’s Saturday, so my enquiries will not be answered until Monday, at the earliest. I know this, and I need to calm down. I don’t even have more worries in regards to that to voice. The possibilities of it are racing through my mind at a lightning pace, and it will probably not even be this year.

There are other things weighing on me, like finishing the rough of the book I am currently working on. I have hit the 20000-word wall that I have hit at least three times before. I know that I can get past that point, but motivation is quickly drifting from my mind. I get so fixated on not wanting to write filler that I keep scrapping new ideas that are probably NOT shit, but I have convinced myself that they serve no purpose than just to pad soemthing. I want to keep my writing engaging. I want the reader to be entertained all the way through. I have read too many books where “chapter three” is just full of words and details for pointless things. Maybe I am just being overly harsh, and I need to just push through my insecurities and write.

It doesn’t help that I feel as though I have been neglecting this site as of late. I have been putting a lot more into my vlog lately. Simply because I feel like I can leave that as is, and only come back to a topic if someone voices an issue directly. No need to justify opinions for something like that because I know issues that could arrise are more valid. I can see what percent of people watch the full video versus this blog where the chance that someone cherry-picks issues without reading further to see if I answer is greater.

I hate the arts/I love the arts.

Also: I’m broke. Please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Give what you want…?

I read this post on FaceBook today expressing how people who are missing something attainable from their life will give it to others. I cannot get it out of my head and just how depressing the very concept is.

To kind of explain, in a simple way: if you crave being focused on, you will focus on others if no one will focus on you. If you crave being loved, you will love others.

Is that to say that this is a one-to-one thing? Far from. I see it more as an idea than a truth, but it is interesting to think about, regardless. The idea that we, as a species, will fill in perceived gaps in our lives to try to make sure that no one else feels that way.

It also brings up a scary idea: what if the people dishing out “good-feels” get taken advantage by others who also desire that?

Now, a less scary idea that uses the other as a launching pad: what if you make someone stronger because you feel like there is a lack of “X” in the world?

It really does hinge on your perception of the idea of exploitation. If someone else desires what you desire, and you are the only person you see giving that kind of emotion, is it wrong for people to gravitate to you?

I am avoiding going into the topic of hedonism. I don’t know enough about the idea, or the values that are attached to it, but I had to at least mention it so you can see if there is any correlation, if you wish.

Apparently radical?

I was in discussion with someone over the worker shortage being seen in the USA right now. They were saying that no one wants to work because they are collecting CERB and being lazy, and I was actively offended.

Let me be clear: CERB is meant as emergency funds to work with a household income to supplement the financial damage caused by the Pandemic. IF it is actually better to live off that funding than work a job making “minimum wage”, is it not an issue being created by the place of employment?

It’s easier for me to find the Canadian numbers, and I almost promise that our are higher than the American.

In Canada, you get $500 a week. That is barely enough to live on, let alone do anything on. If that is actually better than what you make working 40 hours a week, there is a glaring issue. I’m on disability, and I make half that. Don’t get me started on why that is deplorable, because I will start calling everyone Comrad and my new favourite colour will be red.

So, do I think people should be living off CERB or the equivalent? No, but I also see there being no shame if it is more than you make anyway. I see the shame being with the billion-dollar industries giving people less than a living wage to break their backs making money for a shadow they will never see.

Somehow, this opinion is radical. Please, tell me how I am being radical?

Assumptions

This post might seem like I’m just bitching…

The issue I have been noticing with being disabled is that people expect you to have some sort of grand insight into what social issues there are with being disabled. I have noticed myself being hindered by the idea where not everything I write or vlog about is in relation to me being in a wheelchair, so this post is to people who are in that camp.

The irony of feeling I should be discussing disability issues is the deafness and tragic comedy of the situation.

Okay, that sounds incredibly selfish, so please allow me to put it another way.

I spent 24 years of my life not disabled. I got the meningitis vaccine in high school, and got meningitis anyway. It induced encephalitis, and now I am in a wheelchair and suffer from epilepsy. So, when I start to complain about how “hard life is”, I feel disingenuous. I feel like I am just complaining because my life has hit a road block, and I am worried that my “plight” will take attention away from more important issues. I also feel as though I am far from qualified enough to talk on the social and economic issues at hand.

When someone says that they will not follow or promote my work because it’s not focused enough on disability issues, this is why I find my respect for that person start to drop.

I have lived a great portion of my life under the assumption that I should not let my shortfalls hold me back, and now that I am in a place where my shortfalls have a greater impact, I still hold that advise to a higher regard. Possibly, a higher regard than I should.

My point simply being: if I have a “hot-take” on some social or political issue, I will probably write about it. If I don’t, it either doesn’t impact me or I don’t want to give wrong information. If I am NOT focused enough on things you feel I should be, don’t read my blog. That simple.

You’re Special.

So, it has been far too long since my last update.

I have been ruminating on what I want to write about, new podcasts to record, and dealing with this Hellscape I call life.

Hellscape is probably a bit extreme.

I am just trying to illustrate that I am in another point of flux. So many fantastic things on the horizon, and so many horrible and abusive things until then.

Did you watch my last PodCast? It was to you, so I hope you did. I also spend a very long time scripting it out, considering how short it was.

I have an idea for my next one. My plan is to have it recorded, cut, and published by the eleventh. That would mark one year of me doing that whole thing.

My plan was to examine how society is ableist, but the reading and research is far too much for me to get it done before I want to have the recording done. Instead, I think I will do an opinion piece on similar things, but illustrating how single-serving stores and businesses are in regards to accessibility. That way, the reading is minimal, because I am actually an idiot with too much time on their hands.

Oh, please subscribe to the page if you find this at all interesting. I have heard from a Patreon individual that I don’t give enough updates on there, and they fail to see the point of being subscribed. The Patreon is just a way for me to supplement the costs in relation to keeping this site up-and-running. I know I don’t push it, pretty well at all. I know I don’t pay enough attention over there, and that is something I am hoping to rectify soon. I am completely going by the seat of my pants on all this writing and online marketing BS. I am sorry.

whoops

I need to finish what I start. I have started 3 books this year, and completely abandoned them a few week into writing them!

I do intend to finish roughly two of them. The one is a kind of description of the best relationship I have had in my life, and the other I just started, and is an interview. That’s all the information you are getting about either.

I find myself wondering if it is a good thing or not that I give myself so many projects at once. A part of me is proud that I have three books on the go that all show promise, another part of me is embarrassed and concerned that I am going to only put a third of myself into them.

On that note, I am not going to release any of them unless I am extremely proud of the outcome. It might take a year, or two, but I promise that I will not allow anything half-assed to be released under my name. I actually have two books of short stories complete. I’m soft shopping those around to agents. If you are an agent, and are curious, let me know somehow. Comments are a good place to start.

I need to be sad.

I wanted to write a very long, and important, post today. I got about half way through when I realized something: it was missing the bite that I had envisioned in my head.

I had this whole monologue about the importance of feeling important. I had a conversation with someone who said that I made them feel like I was the only person who cared most days, and I thought that I was just having a nice conversation with them. I am not a great person, but in that moment, I was the best person they had ever met.

The post I had envisioned was self deprecating, biting, and funny. I had this whole bit about how amazing you are, and how everyone should be treating everyone how they should be treated, not just how they think that they should be treated. I had this concept on how I wanted to show how you should be treated. I had diagrams and pictures and ideas for an interview and…

THEN I WOKE UP AND HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION.

It turns out that I need to be not happy to write anything good. NOT DEPRESSED, but not happy. When I’m not happy, I am willing to be a little darker. I find myself funnier, or failing humour, more interesting. When I am depressed, I’m just a fucking mess, but not happy: it’s more fun to read!

At least, that’s the way I look at my stuff. I have reread stuff that I have written when happy, and I hate all of it. Even when I’m in the same mental state I was in when it was written, I find it boring and uninspired. Even this post I find scattered and annoying.

Maybe I’m manic? I shouldn’t self diagnose. I read far to into different quirks and states of mind when I do that. It’s almost like I become a mental hypochondriac when looking into mental health stuff.

PushingUpRoses did a fantastic video on youtube talking about BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The video is great. My stupid brain was all “I HAVE THAT” until I remembered that I don’t. I know I have friends who have a variation of BDD, and they should really watch that video. Actually, I think anyone who has any interest in mental health should really look into that video. Especially if you think you know everything about mental health, watch that I remember that you know nothing.

For example, I know enough about mental health to admit that I know absolutely nothing, and I think that is a good thing to admit.

Censorship

I am a day late in screaming into the void of the internet to weigh in on the idea of ‘blah blah cutting my opinions are a form of censorship freedom of speech blah blah’ and there are a plethora of reasons for that.

Am I going to tell you those reasons? Probably not. Not because they are shady or horrible, just uninteresting and kind of inconsequential.

So, let me give some background without getting too far into the background because you should do your own research into Canada’s (somehow) surprising history involving the genocide of Natives and stuff. It is very interesting, sad, deplorable, and important.

My gripe is people’s reaction to the idea of canceling Canada Day celebrations.

I have not celebrated Canada Day for the last 15 or so years. Not for any agenda or stance, I just do not have any pride in this country due to the ways it was formed.

Again: if you don’t know, read up on it. This rant will be here when you have, and it will give additional context for what I am on about. TL;DR is we killed a lot of the indigenous peoples who lived here, killed a lot of each other, the church is horrible, BLAH BLAH BLAH! (I’ll stop with the ‘blah blah blah’)

Today, someone attacked a friend of mine online talking as if her voicing her displeasure with the holiday and supporting the idea of abandoning the national day of celebration was a form of censorship, and infringed on the ideas of Freedom of Speech. Her response was polite, yet firm, and their discussion ended with the person basically thinking “I yelled louder therefore I win the argument on the internet” or something to that extent.

The irony is, and I cannot believe that I have to mention this, is this person wanted to use their anger toward being censored to censor someone else. They did not like that someone was voicing how they should feel awkward about voicing their opinion towards this “void” and they latched on swearing that they were being attacked and muted.

Censorship laws and the aforementioned “Freedom of Speech” only applies to the government’s actions towards opinions. It is important, and should NOT be infringed upon. It does NOT apply, however, to individuals or companies. Again, I can say whatever I want to anyone, and they can tell me to shut up. A LYNCH MOB can descend on me for having a “taboo” opinion, and they are fully in their right to do so. That never constitutes an infringement on my Freedom of Speech, simply because they do not pretend to represent a government body of any kind.

Hate-speech is not and should never be protected, and neither should threats. There, you are verbally assaulting a person, and that is different than having an opinion.

I can say “CANCEL CANADA DAY” all I want and if you don’t like it, that’s fine. You can even yell at me in comments or public message boards, and that’s fine. WordPress, Twitter, or Facebook have all the powers to remove my comments, and that’s fine. The only issue would be if the government took my comments at face value and, with no other reason, decided to lock me up.

So no, you snowflake; someone talking about how Canada Day should be canceled is NOT an infringement on your Freedom of Speech, in the same way that you telling someone to shut up is not an infringement on theirs. How you carry yourself in the discussion does say a lot about your character, however. So maybe be nice, and people might at least let you finish your mad ramblings before they politely ask you to leave the stage.