Assumptions

This post might seem like I’m just bitching…

The issue I have been noticing with being disabled is that people expect you to have some sort of grand insight into what social issues there are with being disabled. I have noticed myself being hindered by the idea where not everything I write or vlog about is in relation to me being in a wheelchair, so this post is to people who are in that camp.

The irony of feeling I should be discussing disability issues is the deafness and tragic comedy of the situation.

Okay, that sounds incredibly selfish, so please allow me to put it another way.

I spent 24 years of my life not disabled. I got the meningitis vaccine in high school, and got meningitis anyway. It induced encephalitis, and now I am in a wheelchair and suffer from epilepsy. So, when I start to complain about how “hard life is”, I feel disingenuous. I feel like I am just complaining because my life has hit a road block, and I am worried that my “plight” will take attention away from more important issues. I also feel as though I am far from qualified enough to talk on the social and economic issues at hand.

When someone says that they will not follow or promote my work because it’s not focused enough on disability issues, this is why I find my respect for that person start to drop.

I have lived a great portion of my life under the assumption that I should not let my shortfalls hold me back, and now that I am in a place where my shortfalls have a greater impact, I still hold that advise to a higher regard. Possibly, a higher regard than I should.

My point simply being: if I have a “hot-take” on some social or political issue, I will probably write about it. If I don’t, it either doesn’t impact me or I don’t want to give wrong information. If I am NOT focused enough on things you feel I should be, don’t read my blog. That simple.

You’re Special.

So, it has been far too long since my last update.

I have been ruminating on what I want to write about, new podcasts to record, and dealing with this Hellscape I call life.

Hellscape is probably a bit extreme.

I am just trying to illustrate that I am in another point of flux. So many fantastic things on the horizon, and so many horrible and abusive things until then.

Did you watch my last PodCast? It was to you, so I hope you did. I also spend a very long time scripting it out, considering how short it was.

I have an idea for my next one. My plan is to have it recorded, cut, and published by the eleventh. That would mark one year of me doing that whole thing.

My plan was to examine how society is ableist, but the reading and research is far too much for me to get it done before I want to have the recording done. Instead, I think I will do an opinion piece on similar things, but illustrating how single-serving stores and businesses are in regards to accessibility. That way, the reading is minimal, because I am actually an idiot with too much time on their hands.

Oh, please subscribe to the page if you find this at all interesting. I have heard from a Patreon individual that I don’t give enough updates on there, and they fail to see the point of being subscribed. The Patreon is just a way for me to supplement the costs in relation to keeping this site up-and-running. I know I don’t push it, pretty well at all. I know I don’t pay enough attention over there, and that is something I am hoping to rectify soon. I am completely going by the seat of my pants on all this writing and online marketing BS. I am sorry.

whoops

I need to finish what I start. I have started 3 books this year, and completely abandoned them a few week into writing them!

I do intend to finish roughly two of them. The one is a kind of description of the best relationship I have had in my life, and the other I just started, and is an interview. That’s all the information you are getting about either.

I find myself wondering if it is a good thing or not that I give myself so many projects at once. A part of me is proud that I have three books on the go that all show promise, another part of me is embarrassed and concerned that I am going to only put a third of myself into them.

On that note, I am not going to release any of them unless I am extremely proud of the outcome. It might take a year, or two, but I promise that I will not allow anything half-assed to be released under my name. I actually have two books of short stories complete. I’m soft shopping those around to agents. If you are an agent, and are curious, let me know somehow. Comments are a good place to start.

I need to be sad.

I wanted to write a very long, and important, post today. I got about half way through when I realized something: it was missing the bite that I had envisioned in my head.

I had this whole monologue about the importance of feeling important. I had a conversation with someone who said that I made them feel like I was the only person who cared most days, and I thought that I was just having a nice conversation with them. I am not a great person, but in that moment, I was the best person they had ever met.

The post I had envisioned was self deprecating, biting, and funny. I had this whole bit about how amazing you are, and how everyone should be treating everyone how they should be treated, not just how they think that they should be treated. I had this concept on how I wanted to show how you should be treated. I had diagrams and pictures and ideas for an interview and…

THEN I WOKE UP AND HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION.

It turns out that I need to be not happy to write anything good. NOT DEPRESSED, but not happy. When I’m not happy, I am willing to be a little darker. I find myself funnier, or failing humour, more interesting. When I am depressed, I’m just a fucking mess, but not happy: it’s more fun to read!

At least, that’s the way I look at my stuff. I have reread stuff that I have written when happy, and I hate all of it. Even when I’m in the same mental state I was in when it was written, I find it boring and uninspired. Even this post I find scattered and annoying.

Maybe I’m manic? I shouldn’t self diagnose. I read far to into different quirks and states of mind when I do that. It’s almost like I become a mental hypochondriac when looking into mental health stuff.

PushingUpRoses did a fantastic video on youtube talking about BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The video is great. My stupid brain was all “I HAVE THAT” until I remembered that I don’t. I know I have friends who have a variation of BDD, and they should really watch that video. Actually, I think anyone who has any interest in mental health should really look into that video. Especially if you think you know everything about mental health, watch that I remember that you know nothing.

For example, I know enough about mental health to admit that I know absolutely nothing, and I think that is a good thing to admit.

Censorship

I am a day late in screaming into the void of the internet to weigh in on the idea of ‘blah blah cutting my opinions are a form of censorship freedom of speech blah blah’ and there are a plethora of reasons for that.

Am I going to tell you those reasons? Probably not. Not because they are shady or horrible, just uninteresting and kind of inconsequential.

So, let me give some background without getting too far into the background because you should do your own research into Canada’s (somehow) surprising history involving the genocide of Natives and stuff. It is very interesting, sad, deplorable, and important.

My gripe is people’s reaction to the idea of canceling Canada Day celebrations.

I have not celebrated Canada Day for the last 15 or so years. Not for any agenda or stance, I just do not have any pride in this country due to the ways it was formed.

Again: if you don’t know, read up on it. This rant will be here when you have, and it will give additional context for what I am on about. TL;DR is we killed a lot of the indigenous peoples who lived here, killed a lot of each other, the church is horrible, BLAH BLAH BLAH! (I’ll stop with the ‘blah blah blah’)

Today, someone attacked a friend of mine online talking as if her voicing her displeasure with the holiday and supporting the idea of abandoning the national day of celebration was a form of censorship, and infringed on the ideas of Freedom of Speech. Her response was polite, yet firm, and their discussion ended with the person basically thinking “I yelled louder therefore I win the argument on the internet” or something to that extent.

The irony is, and I cannot believe that I have to mention this, is this person wanted to use their anger toward being censored to censor someone else. They did not like that someone was voicing how they should feel awkward about voicing their opinion towards this “void” and they latched on swearing that they were being attacked and muted.

Censorship laws and the aforementioned “Freedom of Speech” only applies to the government’s actions towards opinions. It is important, and should NOT be infringed upon. It does NOT apply, however, to individuals or companies. Again, I can say whatever I want to anyone, and they can tell me to shut up. A LYNCH MOB can descend on me for having a “taboo” opinion, and they are fully in their right to do so. That never constitutes an infringement on my Freedom of Speech, simply because they do not pretend to represent a government body of any kind.

Hate-speech is not and should never be protected, and neither should threats. There, you are verbally assaulting a person, and that is different than having an opinion.

I can say “CANCEL CANADA DAY” all I want and if you don’t like it, that’s fine. You can even yell at me in comments or public message boards, and that’s fine. WordPress, Twitter, or Facebook have all the powers to remove my comments, and that’s fine. The only issue would be if the government took my comments at face value and, with no other reason, decided to lock me up.

So no, you snowflake; someone talking about how Canada Day should be canceled is NOT an infringement on your Freedom of Speech, in the same way that you telling someone to shut up is not an infringement on theirs. How you carry yourself in the discussion does say a lot about your character, however. So maybe be nice, and people might at least let you finish your mad ramblings before they politely ask you to leave the stage.

Embrace the ‘No’

This post is lightly inspired by an image posted by a friend. It was alluding to three important ‘rules’ to live by. I noticed the lack of embracing a no response, so I added it for her.

It is probably leading to a load of confusion for everyone who sees it, so I am going to further explain what I mean in this post to express what I meant!

A no is progress. Of course, I mean this mostly in regards to the arts, mostly because that is where a majority of my experience is.

While I was pitching my book to publishing agents, I loved getting rejection letters. It let me know that they actually took the time to consider my work, and that they just felt like it was not worth their time. It is easy to forget when you are entrenched in a work you have created to remember that agents (both literary and music) make their money being able to sell your work to a bigger label. So, yes: you may have done something amazing for you. You might even have friends and family who think what you have done is amazing; but if the agent cannot sell it, they are going to pass. This doesn’t mean that the work is bad, it just means that the audience doesn’t exist, or the timing is off.

Hell, we all have seen pieces of art that we think are horrible. There are number one singles in the spotlight that we know we could do better than, or books that are boring. There are actors that are just fucking terrible, podcasts that are petty, and blogs (like this one) that are a mess narratively. The only reason they exist is because someone heard the ‘no’ and said ‘MEH’.

When it comes to the arts, it truly is a timing and arrogance game. Luck plays an unfortunately large percent of how things go. I say arrogance because you cannot give up, even if you are feeling like things are too hard. If you have an end goal of making money doing the arts, and your enjoyment is being hampered by your inability to do, the choice has to be made: is the ‘no’ too taxing on your continued enjoyment of the journey?

Silence V Misguiding

I was going to record another Vlog today. It was going to be in regards to the found bodies of indigenous children in residential schools across Canada. Like most, I am disgusted. Embarrassed, even. The very fact that my country could even be associated with such atrocities is hard, and I’m the last person to show any national pride.

So, if I feel so strong, why didn’t I record the condemnation that I have in my head?

There are a few different reasons why I didn’t. The first, and most important, is that I am not qualified in the slightest to say anything. I have nothing new to bring to the table, and my addition to the conversation would be little more than noise in a cacophony of voices. The last thing I would even want to be mildly responsible for is being louder than someone who matters more.I haven’t done the necessary research, and I get way too angry to be objective with any information I do find.

The second is that I have started to cultivate a reputation as someone focused more on the arts. Bad excuse, I am well aware. Hell, between the podcast and the youtube page, I have accumulated a bit over 500 plays of my ramblings. There is FAR from enough information to actually state that I have garnered a “reputation”.

The third is that I feel like I have nothing substantial to add. Even in writing this, I feel like I am downplaying the importance and gravity of the situation in Canada. I refuse to use any tags that could take away from more important articles, and I am using this as more of a damnation of this country.

The end point is that I have no idea what to do. I have no clues on how to make this all better. I am upset. I am disgusted. Fucking own up to your BS. Fuck this country. Fuck Christianity. Go find (and share) links to Indigenous works of art; whether they be music, film, or stage.

It’s not a competition

Okay, this is a tricky post, but I find myself needing to say something.

There are people who will compare their situation to yours. I am not saying that is OBJECTIVELY a bad thing, but I am saying that there are some situations where you need to just nod a smile.

Now that people have stopped reading a decided that I am just pissing in the wind, allow me to elabourate.

Life is not a competition. If someone is having a bad day, they really do not need to hear about how your day is worse.

COUNTERPOINT: You may have opened the floodgates to someone who just really needs to talk. Maybe they aren’t trying to compete, but they don’t have an avenue to release their pent-up anger.

My point is: there is no winner if you are trying to out-“I have it worse” each other. We’re all in horrible situations all the time. This century has not been kind to a majority of people, and the future is terrifying to anyone who is looking forward. Everyday, there seems to be a study explaining how you are going to die and the blame falls on you OR on someone that you know won’t change anything for your sake.

Somehow, blame and change have become political. It has been proven in the past few weeks regarding Canada’s failure to accept blame for their part in the residential schools across the country. I am not a professional, and I have not done enough reading to feel comfortable pinpointing where to get the most accurate reading material on the topic, but a quick search on the ol’ internet will give you so many hits.

Okay, I need to get off the political soapbox that I have constructed yet stumbled over.

My point still stands, however. Life sucks, so there is no point in competing to have it harder. Maybe, just an idea, instead of putting a fuck-tonne of burden on someone ranting, give them a heads-up that you have a relating issue that you need to talk about. Maybe, give a warning before unloading about something else.

There is always the risk that they will listen.

I cannot be alone…

I had a troubling thought: am I the only one who thinks so harshly about me?

WOW! I dived right in there. Let me start again.

I have been dealing with self-loathing a lot as of late; however, in truth, I have been dealing with it all my life on some level. I am my example of the worst someone can be. I over analyze ever decision I make, almost to the point of paralysis. I will ignore obvious good ideas because they will hurt someone else. I put off doing things for as long as I can because I don’t want to deal with the fallout today.

Let’s go back to that first line. I am not talking thinking harshly about me. I am asking if anyone thinks harshly about themselves. As in, is self-loathing normal? I am not talking on a “I don’t go a moment without hating myself” kind of way, more of a “I am the worst example of human” kind of way. A more general concept.