I miss you…

I hate that I miss you.

You were only in my life really for about a year. I knew you before, but as passing friends. We had about 10 hours of conversation saved up over the five years that we knew each other existed, and about 5 hours of that was sarcastic quips and mockery. We started talking more after we both left hospital and discovered that we had sickness in common.

You were my unicorn. I had not heard, at the time of our meeting, anyone else who had ever lived with viral meningoencephalitis. Not to belabour the point, but to find someone in my circle who had survived the first year within my circle was absolutely mind blowing. I can not express how important just knowing anyone else who was diagnosed was.

I am not saying we are the same in any way. You would hate that. You always expressed how comparison of sickness was pointless, and I carry that idea with me to this day. You would be proud of the idea that I haven’t done so since you last talked to me about how pointless it was.

The last conversation we had, we laughed about how messed up the world is. We seemed to share an appreciation for the humour that comes with this life. You were part of the inspiration for my continued writing.

Anyway, it would be ironic if I used your passing back in November for advertising. To push your name as a banner for my book is the most horrible and disrespectful thing ever. That is why I have not mentioned your name up to this point, and I won’t by the end of this post. I promise. That is the least I could do.

I did, however, dedicate the book to you. To your family. To your friends.

I am re-releasing the first one, fixed up and not as horrible. I am putting all the short stories I had released before the turn of the decade in a form you could have read. That I wanted you to read.

You always gave me shit for not having them in print. I hope this is a decent dedication to your memory.

Happy Birthday.

The Book

My plan is to make this my last post until the release, just because information for the next week will be slow and minimal.

Yes, I am reissuing the book I released a few years ago. With that said, I am going to be more than doubling the length. I fixed so many stupid and dumb mistakes that were in the initial release. I filled out at least two chapters, and added the first year of anewsin releases (plus a couple more). The digital copy will be the same cover as the original, but the hard/soft covers will be black with white writing.

This book marks the initial release of the anewsin volumes that I plan to release every couple of years. The format that I used is a lot of fun to write, and it lends itself to releasing short stories with keeping some sort of cognizant flow.

I AM STILL RELEASING STORIES ON HERE EVERY TWO MONTHS.

The released versions will be perfected and cleaned up further than what I have on here. As for editing, I plan on using Luka’s talents for as long as I can. At the very least, she makes everything so much easier to read because I tend to ramble and get lost in my own thoughts. (Not to mention that I make stupid mistakes…)

Anyway, the next post I make will be updating everyone with links and further information.

KEEP IN MIND:
all Patreons who donate for more than two months, regardless of amount, get their names in the thanks at the end of the text!

So, please: tell everyone who might be interested! I will do my best to keep you up-to-date with information when I get it! I love you!

godspeed you! black emperor

The car’s on fire
and there’s no driver at the wheel
and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
and a dark-wind blows.

the government is corrupt
and we’re all so many drugs with the radio on and the curtains drawn
we are trapped inside the belly of this machine
and the machine is bleeding to death

the sun has fallen down
and the billboards are all leering
and the flags are all dead
at the top of their poles

It went like this;
buildings toppled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies
dig through the rubble
and pulled out their hair.

The skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisted metal stretching upwards
everything washed in a thin orange haze.

I said kiss me, you’re beautiful
these are truly the last days

you grabbed my hand
and we fell into it-
like a daydream,
or a fever.

we woke up one morning and fell a little further down
for sure it’s the valley of death
I opened up my wallet
and it’s full of blood

I feel like this set of lyrics is one of the most impressive things ever written. Maybe it’s because of the juxtaposition between the words and the music, but the chills it instills drives me to dream of ever writing something this important/this beautiful. If I ever write anything that makes you feel something, it would mean the world to me if you let me know. I strive to do that.

I will have full book news at the end of the year. I hope and pray that you are as excited as I am.

Write Everything.

I found myself in a bit of a jam the other day. I knew I had to write, but I couldn’t find a voice or tone to use. My topics all seemed petty, my vocabulary was dower, and everything seemed wrong. So: I just wrote anyway.

The result? I wrote a script. Not a good one, but it did loosen up areas of insight in my mind. It seemed to be the concept that was drowning my thoughts and not allowing me to continue to write different things.

I will admit: it’s loosely based on a real conversation I had with someone. It paints “me” in a rather pretentious light and her in a horribly arrogant one. I enjoy it, but also acknowledge that it’s very poor in quality. I will be releasing it in the new year under the anewsinPublishing banner because I don’t like to hold anything back.

That brings me to the idea I want to put out there. I am a firm believer in that whatever comes to mind should be written down. That includes if it’s bad. Just get thoughts out there. I find myself stuck on, what feels like, nothing for days on end. I have a document on my desktop full of half-stories that will probably never see the light of day. I just need to get them out, then my brain is no longer full of stupid and generic shit.

Oh! I should mention that it’s my birthday on the 12th! I will be posting my usual masterbatory BIRTHDAY message then vanish for the remainder of the year, like I always do. I’m not entirely sure if it’s going to go the same way that it has in the past, though. I have “foam” coming out on the first, which I am stoked on finally releasing to everyone. I also have a couple applications for things that I want to address as soon as any sort of result comes from them.

It’s starting to be Christmas season once again. Please, consider donating to my Patreon so I can afford to give my wife something nice and my pets food. Even a dollar means the world!

Early release

I have sent out Patreon’s there copy of the next anewsin today. I know, it’s a day early, but I am equal parts excited and forgetful! I have a feeling that if I wait until tomorrow, I will forget.

Anyway, that got me thinking: why base an income on crowd funding? It’s very unreliable, kind of awkward, and kind of needy. Fuck knows that I hate asking for donations all the time. I hate having to set myself time limits to make sure that I live up to my end of the bargain.

Patreon is better than most of the others because I can offer a service for a little bit of money. Like, right now, $1 a month will get you a subscription to anewsinPublications and that will mean you get a link to a PDF one month before the story becomes available to the public! I think that’s hekin’ swell!

Some will argue that there is no point, and I won’t fight that. The stories do come out eventually, and they are always free. BUT! If you donate you make sure that my pets get fed! WHO DOESN’T LOVE MY PETS! (dontanswerthatbecausenoonethatswho)

There are other levels of donation. I cannot do cents, but $5 a month makes you the villain in a story I write, $6 makes you the hero (or at least the main) and stuff like that! There are so many new and exciting things that I want to write in the future! Please help me make that a reality!

How long…?

MORBID THOUGHT! How long would I have to disappear for before someone thought to see if I was still alive?

I go days without talking to people, the exceptions being my wife and family. On that note, they have little contact with the people I speak to. From what I can tell, minus the lack of birthday wishes (or BIRTHDAY), it may never occur that I have vanished.

I rarely update statuses. I do the #vss365 on Twitter, but that community is so huge that no one may notice. I post blog updates here very often (too often?) but I schedule things if I even suspect that I would miss an update.

So, that is a thing. Now, what if I just WANTED to vanish? It would be very possible for me to just “kill” Jason Garden and start again. Not easy, no. There would be far too much to figure out with family and shit, and I make my income (for now) from the government. I am also epileptic, so there is a medical tracking on me.

As far as I have seen, little to nothing about me being paraplegic. I am just a stat where that is concerned.

My mind wanders in strange places when I am working away on projects.

What to write about…

OH! I KNOW!
WRITING!

I noticed the other day how my most popular updates about regarding writing. I don’t know how I feel about that: I feel like my other pieces are just, if not more, important.

I cannot be too frustrated. People know me as a writer, even if it’s just ironically. Plus, it is what I do four hours a day (give or take).

I actually have my next work written and I have done my part of editing, mostly. It is sitting just over 200 pages and just under 40,000 words. I am incredibly proud of it!

What about anewsinPublishing? That’s still a thing!

My last work was one of my strongest, writing wise. Unfortunately, few read it. I have around 24 reads in total. I know that it’s only been a week or two, but I am mildly discouraged. It was a genre change, and I have only had two people give any sort of insight. I really cannot bitch about the few reads to much: it actually had more reads than my last few releases.

Want to raise my ego a bit? Share the anewsinPublications page with your friends! Everything is listed there.

Oh, I’m not to hold stories ransom, but I have the next part of Epic mostly written. I am trying to figure out if I should just get it out. Lack of interest and my Patreon sitting just under $100 for the last year is making it hard to keep momentum up. So, I beg you: please help me hit that mark. I am just off $11 a month. I have over 130 followers on here, and at least 70 visitors a week…

Anyway, enough me begging for food. I would like someone to scan my next work. Leave a comment, or get a hold of me on social media, and I will consider giving you a copy to read.

Spam

I find myself at a genuine loss as to why spam comments and/or e-mails exist. I understand the point: to raise awareness of a product or service. My confusion comes from the question “does it actually work?” as opposed to why it exists at all.

I can only speak for me, but I do not check unsolicited e-mails and I filter dozens of comments on this site. I have never once been tempted to get a larger penis or see singles in my area. We all know of the anachronistic “member of royalty” that became disposed and needs to give you thousands to make sure that their fortune doesn’t fall into wrong hands.

Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe my cynicism is such to make me delete those without reading. Maybe both? I am not entire sure.

I derive a great deal of entertainment dispatching of such unwanted advertisements. I always go through and skim over the comments to see what ridiculous things are being marketed my way. Most of the time it’s related to the post, but occasionally I really have no idea where they get the concept that I might be interested.

What I really enjoy are the spam text messages: the messages where they are disguised as your phone carrier. However, when you track the number where they area code is based out of, it turns out to be a homestead in Winnipeg. Do people actually click those links blindly?

So, please fill the comment section under this post with the most brazen and confusing attempts at sales! If you are one to go along with spam, why? Finally, do you have any concepts on how to avoid it OTHER than spam filters?

Language is fun

I spent a large part of my morning trying to identify my favourite word. My vernacular is far from impressive, though I do tend to choose flowery ways of saying “I SPEEK GOOD WORDS! I ARE RITER!”

What did I come up with? Three words in particular: Abdicate, Schism, and Juxtapose. I find myself at a loss trying to choose between those three, simply because they are all so awesome!

Let’s be realistic: they are all stand-ins for easier ways of saying what they mean: Abdicate is simply when a royal gives up a position of power, Schism is just a split between two of something, and Juxtapose is the comparison and contrast between two ideas or items.

However, if you can, work them into day to day conversation, few people will question your convictions!

Like I mentioned in a previous post, Abdicate is fun to use wrong. Schism is fun, but you have to make sure you are using it properly: too many people (thanks to Tool) know what that one is. Juxtaposed remains as one of the more intimidating words. People know that it exists, but if you deftly use it, people assume you mean business. The best part is that it doesn’t sound too ridiculous as for people to look at you strangely. The simple definition makes it easy to place in conversation, and it’s really easy to spell!

The greatest thing about these words is that you can say them without people realizing you are just using 5 cent words to be a douche! Unlike ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ where you just sound arrogant, these words can be slipped into conversation easily.

I just can’t…

The following is a post that I’m writing while I’m depressed. There is no reason to worry, I just thought I’d get my emotions out unedited and maybe this will explain why I am the way I am. Not for you, dear reader. I hope that it will allow for introspection, and allow me to figure out my brain a bit better.

I have, ever since I saw Amanda Palmer, championed the idea that writing while actually depressed is very difficult. I know that, for me, I become hyper critical.

I mean, I looked at the title for this post for about 25 minuets to decide if it was too flashy for this experiment, or not flashy enough. After all: I am trying to garnish an audience. At the same time, I am trying to avoid clickbait and concern.

The pride that I take in the image I portray is pathetic. Even to me. I want to be seen as strong; as a kind of guide for the people that have been struck down later in life by a disability. I don’t have any credentials, but I think I’m doing an okay job figuring shit out.

I digress. What kind of depressed am I today? Just a melancholy level of morose and leads me to come off as caring more than I should. That sounds almost malicious: I should say that I come off as overly empathetic. The feelings are real, but the delivery seems almost fake. I think, anyway. I could be wrong. I just feel like I am costing through the miasma of life, and I will do almost anything that seems like a good idea to someone.

This is the mood I was in when I started smoking. I had a friend who smoked, thought I came off as disturbed, and tossed me a cigarette to help me calm down. I really would never blame my smoking on someone else, but I want to be truthful in this.

So, yeah. This has been a deconstruction of what my depressed brain thinks. If I post this, it will be unedited from this point on. I have done very little in the mean time, and I think I have done okay. I am saying that without reading everything over, so if I’m wrong, all the better.

One thing I do want to say; I am writing about what goes on in my own head. None of this is a representation of depression in everyone. If you are depressed, or know someone who is depressed, contact someone who is trained on how to help.

Anyway, I feel I have rambled on enough. Something I am finding very hard to do is to leave this “article” alone as a kind of stamp and evolution of my mood. I am sorry if it gets a bit rambly at times. I am sorry if this ending is anti-climatic. I feel silly closing off what I wrote with a paragraph like this. I just need to tell everyone, especially you, that it will all be okay. It may not seem like it, but we’ll all survive this hell. Maybe we won’t be able to do it alone, but there is always someone out there. Even when it’s hard as hell to find someone, they are out there. At the very least, you have me.