I know what I’m on about…

I try my hand at telling you not to love what you love for the sake of art.

I cannot be alone…

I had a troubling thought: am I the only one who thinks so harshly about me?

WOW! I dived right in there. Let me start again.

I have been dealing with self-loathing a lot as of late; however, in truth, I have been dealing with it all my life on some level. I am my example of the worst someone can be. I over analyze ever decision I make, almost to the point of paralysis. I will ignore obvious good ideas because they will hurt someone else. I put off doing things for as long as I can because I don’t want to deal with the fallout today.

Let’s go back to that first line. I am not talking thinking harshly about me. I am asking if anyone thinks harshly about themselves. As in, is self-loathing normal? I am not talking on a “I don’t go a moment without hating myself” kind of way, more of a “I am the worst example of human” kind of way. A more general concept.

The Dream

Yes, everyone dreams. This is not a revelation to me. I am well aware, though I rarely remember them, I do dream every night.

As mentioned, I rarely remember my dreams. In the initial release of my book, I made it seem like I had fantastical dreams that were all-encompassing: I used them to explain my mental state at that moment. They were a great way for me to illustrate the disconnect between where I was and where I thought I should be.

I jettisoned them in the re-release because I felt like the short stories I included better demonstrated the emotion that I was trying to create.

My point that I am trying to get as is that dreams play very little in my day-to-day. I have a very pragmatic look at them, and I cannot accept that they have any greater importance than just “your” brain trying to grapple with the occurences of the day.

Last night, I had a very realistic dream where I was walking around.

I have to state it that way to drive home the fact that it was nothing more than “I was walking.” I wasn’t walking anywhere, in particular. I wasn’t walking in some grandiose fashion, there wasn’t a really cool soundtrack in the background, and there wasn’t even fanfare. I was just walking.

In my dream, I remember that it was a big deal. I remember looking at my wife and gesturing that I was doing it on my own. It wasn’t far, just down a hall. I stopped when the dream ended, and there was no follow up. I just had to tell “you” because I had to tell someone.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure, I guess?

Off to the races…!

I have a plan for seven books.

I have one written so far, so it is much less daunting than it sounds. It’s a kind of series that I have in mind. I say “a kind of series” because they aren’t related so much in content or word, but they do share a grounding.

No, I am not going to tell you what it is. I am still sure I can actually do what I have planned, but I know that I cannot without backing from a major publisher.

I would be hiding the fact that this is a bit of marketing on my end. I hope that a literary agent will find my body of work more appealing if I had a promise of more to come and an extended universe that I hope to build.

The main take-away you should get from this post is that I am working on something huge and I am VERY excited to share it with all of you.

Hopefully, I can do that soon.

Read me

Hi! I haven’t updated in forever, and I’m sorry for that! I think. I’m never sure if silence is prefered over waffling for lines and lines, so I just keep myself quiet when I don’t have something pertinent to share.

I’m kind of going against that point this time, however. Simply because a long block of silence is something I try to avoid.

I have been writing a tonne of fiction again. Nothing I feel is worth sharing, for the most part. I have been shopping around a new book, and I guess that is something I should speak about. I just get mildly weary about posting such things. I’m never sure if I should announce such things when there is little-to-nothing to announce on the topic.

On that note, is it normal to get excited over a rejection letter?

It wasn’t a condemnation on my writing, the person was just stating how it was not their forté, and so they didn’t think they could do it justice.

There is this awkward period between submitting a work for representation and response. I get it completely, but because I hit a button and send the email, I am stuck wondering if they have even looked at it. What was nice about the rejection I did get was that I received the “hells no” within the hour I sent it off. I do not pretend to think that’s normal; but it was nice, regardless. I didn’t have to hit refresh on my emails 1230239512305 times an hour for a response that may never come my way.

Oh: I have written a new book. I should have lead with that point. I didn’t share any of the text because of one of the few conversations I had with a professional mentioned that any publication aside from with a major publisher could be a negative on going forward. So, that’s a thing.

My buddy Johnny released his 5 recommendations for amater writers. I agree with his statements, and I have ideas on how I could expand them. Alas: that was his project. I will leave it alone with nothing more than a link to his Instagram. He publishes fantastic poems whenever he feels confident in the product, and I really like what he has released so far. Please, show him some love. Bonus points if you let him know that I sent you.

New PodCast Form

I was prompted by WordPress to start an Anchor account, so I did!

I like it. It’s fun to use, and rather painless! What’s really neet, they act as an RSS feed for several different ports.

So, this is going to be a link dump. Most of the major players are available, and if anything new comes up, I will be sure to post more links!

Anchor
Breaker
Google
Pocket Cast
RadioPublic
Spotify

I will be posting the Unnamed Podcast here daily, at least until it catches up. I will also be wrapping that one up in the next little bit, as I have started to script something new circling around music.

Normalize sadness

I posted a status on my Facebook that was a statement of fact. It was self-effacing, mildly depressing, but it was NOT a statement speaking of my mental placement at this moment.

The status was something to the idea that no one would notice if I died outside of me wishing them a happy birthday in my silly way that I do.

I didn’t pay much heed to the replies that I received outside of being touched. To be clear: I loved what everyone had to say. I love each and everyone of you.

It got me fixated on the fact that any negative statement results in people worrying if you are okay. The point of me doing the depressing update month is to bring light to that point. There are days where I, and I can only speak for me, find life too daunting to not say anything. Sometimes I feel like screaming into the abyss to NOT have it scream back.

Now, there are days where I want reassurance. I want to have people reach out and say something nice and to remind me that I am not alone in this horrible existence. It does not, necessarily mean that everything is too much that day. It might just be as simple as a lyric, or a quote taken way out of context.

Regardless, if you feel someone is posting about depressing things, don’t shame them for wanting attention. You don’t have to be the one to give it if you feel that it’s inappropriate. If you think that it’s completely unwarranted, ask before chastising.

Fun little thing about Facebook, in particular: you can unfollow someone without unfriending them. If you are offended by someone’s words, just do that. If you aren’t going to be nice, don’t be there at all. Don’t scream from the heavens that you don’t appreciate someone’s words, and don’t make them feel bad because there is a risk that it may be genuine. Yes, you might be a great friend. You might know that person is surrounded by fantastic people. You might even covet part of their existence.

Always remember: YOU AREN’T THAT PERSON.

They might be having a bad day that you know NOTHING about. They might be struggling with something that they don’t want to talk about. They might have undiagnosed or diagnosed depression and deal with everything in ways you cannot understand.

Just let them vent.
Let them be.
Be kind.

Not Inspired

I haven’t touched my latest book in over a week.

I get distracted easily. Between having to put my dog down yesterday (as of writing this), and the bullshit with American elections, I just have not been in the right headspace. I cannot even use current events in my writing.

Well, most current events, anyway.

It really does raise the question: how many words is enough? My ultimate goal is about one-hundred thousand. i am just over seventeen thousand right now, which is horrible seeing as I started writing a year ago. I have been kind of stuck on silly things. Things that I shouldn’t be stuck on, like fantastical concepts that have no place being based in reality.

For instance, my main character discovered a way of space-travel that is damn close to light speed. 99.9% to be exact. We only have reached speeds like that in theories, and we have not figured out a way to get a human to go anywhere near that. For some-fucking-reason, I am determined to have the science at least KIND OF work. I have been staring at the paragraphs (literal paragraphs. Like, maybe 4) determined to have the inspiration to figure this quandary out. Fuck the rest of the text, personal dilemmas faced by the main, or world building: I HAVE TO ANSWER THIS!

I don’t even know why I am allowing myself to be stuck on a point that I could gloss over. The point of the main character is that she is the only scientist alive who has even kind of solved the “dilemma” of overcoming the speed of light as a pace of travel. The crux of the text is actually a more philosophical aside from that idea.

With all of that said, I may be using that as an excuse to not write. Like I mentioned, I could gloss over the technical points. I have a tonne of writing that has to do with my main character getting to the point where her discovery even matters. I have little shame in admitting that the Presidential race of the USA, and subsequent lawsuits (regardless of barring on my immediate life), has been waying heavy on my everything.

Maybe, just maybe, next week will be better.

Accept Your Voice

This is something I am horrible at.

Realize that in your writing, whether the written word or audio, you have a voice. Escaping that void is possible, but you should not be ashamed if you cannot.

It was my pleasure recording with the ~4 bands I did. I may have had a drumming “style”, but I was never boxed in by the constant repetition of one writer. That is not a bad thing, but from a drummers perspective, it can be a bit hard to grow as an artist. The coolest dichotomy that I saw was Livestalk v ACU. It was the same writer, but he was not constrained by the “punk/metal” sound we cultivated in ACU. He had taken down all constraints and, therefore, was able to flex his creative sound.

That is not even delving into his creative contribution to Slender Loris. They will probably remain one of my favourite punk bands for the rest of my life.

Voice is more personal when it comes to writing. I have read back most of my works recently. I was taken back by how similar they all felt initially. It was not until I looked at them from objectively that I noticed how different they are.

You can be too close to appreciate the things you have done. When your style is a certain way, it is easy to write-off projects as “the same”, resulting in spiraling and not producing any further.

Accept that you may have a tone or “voice” in everything you do. It doesn’t make anything new too similar to what you did prior. Look at the narrative. There is a difference between those two projects, and a successful tone should not dissuade you from doing something.

Yes, it is possible to leave your comfort zone. It is possible to create works leaving behind atribute that you have relied on forever. It could be neat! This does NOT mean your old works are shit.

Don’t beat yourself up.
Don’t hate what you do if it brings you happiness today.

Old music V. New music

I am past the point of using music as a metric of age. What do I mean by that? Some of my favourite albums are over 20 years old, and “kids” no longer are interested in the bands I’m into. Therefore, music is not a metric that I can use to measure age.

It got me thinking: am I stuck in my comfort zone?

Is it bad that I listen to albums from the ’90s still, and appreciate them as if they came out yesterday?

A friend of mine showed me a new release today, and immediately I pointed out how the sound was early 2000’s emo. I loved every note played and was mostly correct on how the chord progression was going to go.

It got me questioning where I keep my mind, as far as the arts go. I started to worry if I was becoming one of those people who refused to keep up with modern trends in audio because I was convinced that it was done better in the past.

I did not stay on that thought long. I remembered that I appreciate new music, and my plethora of older influences shaped, not hindered, my appreciation for new things I found. I didn’t hold onto old sounds because I think they are better, I held onto them because I love them still.

Yes, some of the bands I enjoy are probably outdated. There probably someone else who has done, for example, Godspeed You! Black Emperor better since their magnum opus F# A# Infinity. Once I find it, I’m sure that I will binge it as much, if not more, than I do that album.

Anyway, my point is that holding onto old albums can be a good thing, as long as you aren’t closing your mind to experiencing new sounds. As I write this, I am listening to “…and You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead”‘s album Lost Songs, which was released in 2005. Part of me enjoys it as if it’s new. Part of me remembers that it is 15 years old, ignoring the fact that it is demos and unreleased songs that could be older.

Seriously, though: can we talk about how great F# A# Infinity is?