I Hope You Are Happy

Okay, you can relax. The updates are done for the year, and you don’t have to look at them again.

Well… unless you want to.

I, myself, have read them over several times already (writing this post on and after April 10) and will several times more to make sure they are right.

Again, the point of them is not to create animosity, to express how meaningless everything is, or to cause pandemonium, but to explore and accept just how amazing the time we have in this life is. I find great peace in knowing these facts do not just apply to me, but every single person on this planet.

One thing I will confess is that the one about how ‘no-one will remember you in two generations no matter what’ is a bit more definitive than I intended. Not to where it’s wrong, however. The internet has done a great job of making sure that everyone and everything will be remembered forever, just maybe not discussed at length anymore. As long as you have a social media account (somewhere), there is a mark that will be available for all time. I still get reminders on FaceBook of a couple of friends who passed away a few years ago whenever their birthdays come around. I am instantly reminded of any times I had with that person. I usually take a moment of silence to reflect on how they changed my life, regardless of how small or large the contribution to my personal narrative was.

On a sick side-note, I immortalized my own rebirth recently, just because I am considering it a very important event in my life. I do not know many people who got the privilege to tell everyone that they didn’t die. I cannot describe just how humbling, yet hilarious, that event was and still is. The importance is probably something I could never put to words. To be honest, the gravity of the situation as a whole was probably lost on me.

Off-topic, but I started a GoFundMe back in April. I have been in the same chair for five years as of July. I have learned a few things about what I want in a new chair and have been informed that I have to pony-up the money myself if I wish for something new/nice.
To be as clear as I can be, the money is for the wheelchair and for this website. Yes, the Patreon helps, but not everyone wants to give monthly. This is a great way to offer money once if you cannot afford monthly.

The goal is huge, but I hope we can achieve it together.

HUGE NEWS!
My wife and I are moving into my parents for a couple of months. I will mot be doing updates for the month of June while I organize parts of my life. Keep posted to the FaceBook page for when I come back. I will post there because I am like that. I’m sorry for the hiccup in my schedule, but I need to focus while life gets back to being sustainable.

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…you will die.

I posed a question to my Facebook the other day: if you had to hear one song and then you died, what would it be?

I never really put any further explanation, nor have I voiced my personal choice. I was just curious how many replies I would get, and what kind of songs people would post.

I found the results of the pole confusing. Granted, I never made it explicit what the circumstances of your death would be. Maybe that is why I found the answers so confounding.

The rules are that once the song ends, you will die immediately. What I had in mind was a gunshot or massive heart attack. This would ensure that there would be no way to recover or survive, and the final song that played would follow you into the void.

I had some interesting replies. One fellow thought that he would break my game and just go with the Song that Doesn’t End (you’re welcome for that link) and from that point he would live forever. With the parameters I placed on the question, I fully understand why he went this way. To him, my official reply is: well played, sir. Well played. Enjoy that song following you around for the remainder of all time.

The other big reply that I got was Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. Though, that song is amazing, it is so long. You would be dwelling on the fact that you are going to die for the entire 5:55 that the song goes on for. I do not know about you, but for the almost six minuets it is playing, I would not be able to enjoy it. I would just be cringing and counting until my demise.

That is why my choice would be Mother Night Revisited by Premonitions of War. The song is stupid short (1:21) and it is busy, loud, and distracting. The cacophony it creates would drown out my thoughts of my impending demise and it ends abruptly, not giving me any time to dwell on the fact that it is ending.

Maybe I am just biased, but I want to just cease living, not contemplate my entire life throughout my favourite song.

AMENDMENT:

Well, amendment is a strong word for the situation. More like another idea, or concept, that I would like to share because it is so cool!

The album Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie is one of my favourites of all time. It is dark, cynical, honest, and beautiful. One thing that it does (in the most sneaky way) is open with a machine sound. The album plays and that machine sound seems to stop. Where it gets really cool is that the sound does not actually stop, or even change volume. The sound hovers in the back. It is not fully noticeable again until the very last song where the guitar and vocals clear for a moment to revel that it has been there the entire time. Until then, one may not notice just how invasive the sound has been through the entire album.

Then: it stops.

The album ends, therefore the sound ends. Actually, if you wish to get petty, the sound ends one second before the album does. The silence is deafening. At that moment, you are left to reminisce on every word that was sang up until that point.

I am pretty sure that it was not intentional, but it beautifully demonstrates my view on death. Everything ends abruptly and there is nothing.

Fuck, that sounds bleak.

ANYWAY: I am curious. Please, let me know in the comments what song you would like to die to immediately preceding. Do you have a reason for the choice? What is your take on my choice?

I wanted to die…

Okay, I admit: I made that title to catch the attentions of those around me who still care. To make people look up and maybe read this confession and, in some way, help someone.

Now, to explain how that title is, and was, accurate.

I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with an ex. We were dwelling on the hardships of life (as you do) and I stated how I wanted to die before I turned thirty.

The bleakness of the statement stopped our several-hour-long ramble dead and created a silence that physically hurt us both.

“Don’t you think thirty is a bit young?” she asked, almost pleading me to take my proclimation back. The most awkward part was that I could not do so. I was twenty-two. I had already released seven albums, played over one-hundred shows, and met literally thousands of people. I had felt heart break, I had felt love, I have destroyed and been destroyed. I was tired.

My only response was “…why would I joke about that…?” and we resumed staring at the wall for the next several moments.

Now, in my thirtieth year, I can honestly say that statement I made eight years ago was juvenile, uneducated and rash. I am not taking it back: at that moment, I could have taken the embrace of death with a smile and a nod. In fact, to be clear: I still do not fear death. I would love everything to end. I saw thirty of being just another goal, and at that time I saw it as an end goal. I knew very few reasons why, if I continued on that path, that I could justify living even that long.

Then; I did die. Twice. That girl left me while I was in hospital (for very justified reasons) and I lost the use of most of my body to which I am only just regaining pieces and parts back. That situation helped me meet my wife, write a book, realize that I have some amazing friends, and do things that I could never expect me ever doing.

Is this me accepting what I have been through? No. A thousand times: NO. I have, however, used the situation I am in to realize what I can do, what I have done, and what I will do. My life is far from perfect in almost every way. I am broke. I am in horrible debt. I am useless to society as a whole seeing as I CANNOT work. I am tired. Oh, let me reiterate that one: I AM TIRED. I refuse to let these things stop me from doing what I can. I refuse to have the possible brain damage that I sustained in my battle with encephalitis five years ago slow me down. I still have enough of my faculties to write and live. I like to think I am an okay husband, and I hope that I am an okay father one day too.

Final thoughts: I am just going to keep doing everything I am currently doing, only better. I will make this life my bitch. I will do everything I need to because I want to not because I have to.

I will just die later.


POST BLOG NOTICE!

Remember up above where I mentioned how I am in horrible debt? I cannot afford to renew the site right now. I am working on everything with what I have right now, but do not get too thrown off if this blog vanishes for a couple of weeks. To make things easier, look at my Patreon page. Also, get hold of me on my personal pages with marketing offers. I am not opposed to tastefully selling-out. I am sure there is a more politically correct way of saying that, but I am heavily medicated right now. I will fix it in the morning.

~June :: The Worst Month

I don’t like generalizing whole months as one thing. No month is inherently bad or good. This June, however, was especially amazing in how it kick my ass, and it is not over yet.

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I had a seizure on the first and on the fourteenth. I scarred the shit out of my fiancée, and spent far too long in hospital. Never a fan of hospital stays, medication, or loosing control, I lost all independence for a total of t=24 hours collectively. Normally, this is where I say “one good thing that came about is…” but nothing good came of the event. I am fine, if you were concerned, but very embarrassed. I am actually very reluctant to even bring it up, but I started this blog with transparency in regards to my health. Therefore, seizure notice!

On the evening of the 18th, my cat (Hank) jumped from my balcony and fell seven floors. Wee spent over 12 hours trying to find him before we saw a note in the foyer talking about a small, orange body that was disposed that morning. That was devastating, as can be assured. There are a million excuses. None of them, however, bring my best friend back. I loved him. I miss him. He will forever be missed.

On a less depressing and more annoying part, I am about to celebrate one year of You’re Not Dead being released. I have only moved 95 copies (at time of writing) and I am not sure if I will sell any more this year. Thank you to anyone who bought/read it. I am just disappointed that I did not reach my goal of 100 copies sold in one year.

Eh. First world problems.

Giving up.

I had a discussion with a gentleman about the idea of “giving up” tonight. I got thinking about myself and what I have gone through both physically and mentally over the last couple of years and I have come to a conclusion which should be no surprise to anyone.

Why give up?

The very idea implies that you feel as though you cannot make it through what you are in and life is just too overbearing to get through.
The very idea implies that you feel you cannot achieve a goal you have set for yourself.

Please correct me if my definition is wrong.

I hope no one is actually fearing for me in regards to giving up. As I said to my friend: I am way too arrogant to give up.

Like I have stated before: I am medically sound. I have yet to be told that I am in this position permanently with any sort of assurance other than “I’m a doctor and know everything. What’s your name again?”

I was expected to die. Lived.
I was not supposed to digest or eat on my own. Do.
I was not supposed to breathe on my own. Do.
I am supposed to suffer major cognitive issues and am never supposed to be able to generate thoughts for myself. I have kept this blog open between two different sites for almost a year at this point.
I was never supposed to be able to even stand with a walker. I can walk close to a Kilometer with one.

Am I going to just roll over and accept what I have?

No. It could be viewed as the easier option, but I would just be so disappointed in myself. I have come this far. I have done so much. I am in school and got a fucking scholarship to be here.

I have been reminded of some things people have posted over the last two weeks. It is always humbling to know that I have touched people and I hope to continue to be important in the lives of who I am close to.

This is far from the update I was planning on doing. I am having difficulty getting recourses together, so I may take the rest of the year to make sure I get everything I need together.

Have a great Holiday, a fantastic New Year, and a great last few weeks of this month.