almost there…

I’m not going to lie: this post is kind of being written to push my numbers over an edge. If I get 60ish people to read this, I have had my best year since 2016!

I must say, I am super proud of what I have done here. In five years, I have written over 176 thousand words, and have had over 18 thousand views. I started writing this to get my story out, and have let the posts evolve into a self-gratifying mess that people still enjoy reading for some reason. I have written two and-a-half books, and am working on the next one. I have 197 wordpress followers, and hope to hit 200 by the new year. I have 170 followers on my FaceBook page, and 12 on my YouTube channel (that I have only started posting to with some regularity).

My point being that this decade has sucked, brutally, when it comes to my being. The major plus side is that it has been amazing to grow in other ways. I hope that the next decade could be even marginally better, though I have plans to make my next year better than this decade was, and nothing you say or do can stop me from trying.

As mentioned, I have a new book being written, and my plan is to have it done by mid next year. I have tried the independent release thing, and I was not successful at it. I’m not regretting the release of You’re Not Dead, but it really did not even break even. AS I type this, I received a notification that I was charged for pressing renewal, and in spite of being doubled in length, it did not even break even with last years renewal.

I have been kind of writing the next podcast. I have to backtrack and further explain some things, but I think it will be worth the confusion. I am going to link the last two together in a more cohesive structure.

Anyway, I plan on making this my last update for the year. So Happy Holidays! I love you all! Tell your friends to come say hi! Depress someone, buy my book! I will write to you again in the new year!

Hi there, depression

I recently made a post on FaceBook that instigated some polarising opinions from “I appreciate this” to “you fucking hack”. I now feel obliged to explain my reasoning further.

The initial post read as follows:

Some days, I worry that when people don’t talk about suicide or depression because the feeling is potentially fleeting and they don’t want the stigma of being “that” person following them around

I will now be an over-explaining ass and further dissect what I meant:
I have a couple of friends, myself included, who are afraid of reaching out because what they feel is very much temporary. How can depression be temporary? Well, it cannot. However, sadness can be. You could be overly stressed one day, or feel crushed under the oppressive thumb of reality. You could want to say something about it, then hold back because you don’t want to be a burden, or be forever stigmatized as a sad sack.

This post was not to say that no one should reach out. Quite the opposite. It is simply reminding people to isolate the situation from the person until you know the full story. To reiterate, it could be a bad day. It could be a bad moment. It might be a bad week. It doesn’t always mean that the person is chronically depressed or in need of public sympathy. Quite the opposite: there are occasions where public pressure may push the person over an edge that they may not recover from.

A better way to handle it is to simply acknowledge it. Leave a “like” on their message. If you notice a pattern, then reach out privately. If that doesn’t seem to result in anything, move on to getting a hold of family or friends if you notice an ongoing issue.

Don’t assume that talking will do anything. Don’t gaslight or rehash. Don’t guilt.

There is also a chance that the depressing thought might be simply a song lyric (something I have fallen prey to many times ove). There is also a chance that it was an expression of frustration over one event.

Or: maybe they are depressed. If that is the case, just make it clear that you are willing to listen, but make sure to do so privately. Public expressions could be seen as shaming. Shaming could lead to putting up walls, or worse, sprialing.

Again: a private extension of a branch is often all that the person would want if they want anything.

Of course, every expression of depression is unique. That’s what makes it so hard to deal with. Keep in mind that there are a lot of people out there who do not want people to know that they are actually sad. Again, assume that the person doesn’t want to share their emotions privately. Don’t just jump to “sad post therefore sad person” and keep in mind that there is a large number of people born after the year 1980 who just like sad music.

Here is a link for the depression and addiction resources that I have for the Kingston and South Frontenac region. If you need help and cannot reach out, for whatever reason, please look into this. I am not trained, nor do I have any facts that I need to share. These are all just opinions and the point of view from someone who suffers from mild depression themself. Please, use the link above. Get proper guidance if you are actually worried about someone and don’t know what to do. It’s not a secret that I have failed time and time again.

Serious question…

Just wondering: how many pages would be satisfactory for a novel?

I realize that is a loaded question. Inquiries may arise over how interesting the content is, or does the story miander, but I like to set a realistic goal to strive towards.

Right now, my goal is 100,000 words. That’s roughly 200 pages. I feel pretty confident that I can hit that goal. One of my favourite books (Fight Club) is only 49,962 words. My last book, in its final form, clocked in at 39,130 words. I currently sit just shy of 10,000 in my next work. I set myself a deadline of the end of May to have it completed. I feel this is very possible. I just have not decided if being finished includes editing or not…

I implore you to respond in comments, either on here or my FaceBook page, to tell me what you think is a good length. Am I over-reaching? Under-reaching? Both, somehow?

Morning Person/Night Owl

I will start this post by exclaiming that all of this will be conjecture and observation. More of an expression of my own experience than fact, so take my words as “fun” rather than actual truth.

I have noticed a discrepancy in the labels of “morning person” and “night owl”. In western society, anyway, we toss those terms around to describe either someone who is good in the morning, or seems to perk up as the day continues. I wonder, however: can you be both?

I am rarely in bed before midnight, and I am usually up around eight in the morning. I usually get the mandatory eight hours of sleep, and I don’t have a nap most days. I am able to stay up later if I am stimulated, so I often get the label of “night owl”. This ignores the fact that I am most productive in the morning, where my evenings are reserved for entertainment and waffling. One could say that I am a “morning person” most days. From simple description, I fall into both categories.

While dwelling on this fact today, I got analyzing categories, in general. Whether they be to define sexuality, or personality types like into- or extrovert.

Society, as a whole, seems determined to place everyone into boxes. I am not immune to this, but I do not use them to judge people. Some people seem to wear them as a badge of sorts: proudly declaring to the world which camp they belong to.

Some things, I do understand. Race, sexuality, gender, disability… these are all things that are discriminated against and identifying as one is not a choice. Taking a stand with a label like this is announcing a kind of political stand in regard to the discrimination faced by these minorities. I do honestly wonder if people who do not belong to one of these categories are jealous in a way. They, therefore, attach themselves to ideas and regiments that are supposed to benefit, for example, introverts.

The other way I have been contemplating is that this is a way to employ people. If you work in a high-interactive environment where your employees are talking to potential customers all day, it is easier to ask if someone is an extrovert as opposed to running down a list of questions to figure out if they would be a decent fit. That, however, doesn’t explain the rampant obsession that goes along with these, seemingly arbitrary, labels.

Like stated in the first line, this was a concept, and far from scientifically backed. If you have insight, leave it in the comments below or on my FaceBook page. I will respond to every one of them, even if they are unrelated and talking about pants.

“alive and kicking it in hamilton”

Today marks the 6 year anniversary of me posting my survival to the world. I spent about an hour trying to compose exactly how I wanted this to be presented. Though the end result seems silly and juvenile, it was calculated.

It was both disarming and abrasive. I wanted people to see that I was here, but I wanted it to be as underwhelming as it could be. Simply for the fact that I didn’t see it as a big deal. I could never know the waves that it would have created.

271 likes and 95 comments. That doesn’t even include the reactions from the 7 shares that I received. That was all from my personal FaceBook, as well. I, for lack of a better definition, was a nobody. I had friends and family, sure. That doesn’t change the surprise I felt from the outpouring of notices that I received. It would still be another year before I wrote and released my blog explaining, somewhat, what happened. This would still be four years from the release of my book going further into detail about a more in depth explanation of all the events.

Do I regret not having everything in place for the inevitable reintroduction to the world? Of course. That’s why I am classifying my book as a “mostly fiction” from now on, and have been since I was told how my timeline was warped by my parents.

To be fair: they did give me a detailed outline. They had taken extensive note for the first five months of me being in hospital. They claim they were doing it for me, but I knew it was a kind of coping mechanism at the time. If it had really been for me, it would have continued until further in my recovery. More description would have been put into names, staff, places and specialists. Regardless, they did finally give it to me to read after the book had been out for two years, and I may have had flash-backs while my eyes crept between marks of graphite and ink.

Personal side-note: I wish I just put “kicking in hamilton” as opposed to “kicking IT in hamilton”. HINDSIGHT!

i’m okay.

Regardless of what that title states, things are far from fantastic. I’m broke, I cannot afford my medication, and my latest book is taking a very long time. So, I’m asking for patience. I need to take a few weeks off so I can focus on other stuff around the homestead. There is an ansP coming on the first of October (Patreon backers already have it), and there is another one lined up for November. In the meantime, I beg that you consider donating to my Patreon. I am so damn close to being at 100 a month. I am eternally grateful to those who have donated so far, especially to Johnny, who has been donating since near the beginning. I write for me first, and for everyone else as a close second. I love doing this, but I need to take care of my mental health right now. I do not have a confirmed return date, but I will make sure to let everyone know when I do. Follow this site, if you are a WordPress user. Find me on FaceBook, if you are into that. Stalk me on Twitter, where I do updates at least once a day.

#vss365

For starters, thanks for waiting. Between moving and changing auto-payments, I would have nothing to update about. Things are calming down a bit now, so: here I am!

I have been doing this thing every day over on my Twitter. It’s fun and challenging. I tend to use the prompts for morbid rambling which actually find an audience.

(An audience is something I rarely have.)

I am writing this after only completing four, but I will share all of what I have done at the end of the year.

Why the wait? I am lazy. I am too busy to figure out a way to display them right now. I am moving. Pick an excuse, I promise that it’s right.

If you have a Twitter, you should follow me. I know that I have the widget thingy somewhere on this site, but I have not directed eyes that way. I don’t spam updates. It only gets updated (automatically) when I post something, and otherwise it’s when I think of something really witty and no one is around to hear.

Now, the update schedule includes these vss365 posts.

I need reasons to update my Twitter more. Using it as a play-by-play for my day sounds boring. Most updates would be “sitting in a wheelchair #relatable” or something like that. I treat my social media with a similar discretion that I do this site. I tend to only update with things that I think are “important” for people to read. On my FaceBook, I do post more about politics and religion with no assumption that anyone will take my opinion to heart. I also post a lot about the music I am currently digesting because that is something I, personally, find very important.

Speaking of which, do you remember Touché Amoré? I just gave their album “Parting the Sea Between Brightness and Me” another spin and I remember why I love this art. The most powerful lyrics I have heard in a very long time that any touring musician can relate to. Give it a listen, and bask in the bleak (yet strangely beautiful) portrait they paint.

[Something cool happened yesterday. More later]