I lied.

Everything is a fiction. Every aspect of my life that I post on this site is nothing but an elaborate composition predicated on the fact that no one is around to prove otherwise.

To be completely candid, that is actually most of my life.

Now, that is not saying everything does not have a ring of truth behind it. Actually, I would argue that it is impossible to write from a place of complete ignorance.

TRICK TO ASPIREING WRITERS:

Write the truth, but change names. Make things as close to your reality as you can. Create a world that everyone believes might be their reality, and make the rug easy enough to pull. Leave it there until the end, or the middle, or just never pull it.

Why am I writing this? Why am I sharing the fact that everything I am is a fabrication?

I have been talking to a good friend of mine for the last couple of months regularly. I cannot tell them how I am, even in one-on-one chat. I cannot illuminate them to the fact that living with me is, not just impossible, but expensive if you want to try. I also have a grand narrative in my head that this matters at all: that this is actually something I have to nip in the head before it actually comes to chopping bock.

See? All of that was a lie. Was it, though?

To that question, I simply ask if you were entertained? Did you read that paragraph and find yourself invested in the narrative that I wove for the 3 or so lines? Did you actually forget that I am married?

Yeah, it probably wasn’t that good. In all actual honesty, I am kind of loosing my mind. I have been writing the same thing now 9 months. I have just over 10 000 words down, which is 10 times less than I want in the end. Now; what I have, I am very proud of. I have had things proof read by a few different people from all different walks of life. The input I have recieved has helped me craft a world that is almost believable. The wall I have hit is around the part that makes things sci-fi ajacent. How do you describle a concept that is literally impossible in the world of physics? And, to be clear, I don’t mean we haven’t achieved it yet impssible. I mean literally was-proven-impssible-by-Einstein impossible.

Anyway, my point is simply that I see my life as a narrative to be written. Some points embezzled, some points taken at face. I like to pretend that this is what keeps my writing interesting.

this post is not depressing

The idea that “things will always get better” is a lie.

Hear me out.

It’s not a bad thing that things change. Yes, at times it can seem, or even be, daunting. To wallow in a mindset where things could be better is just as debilitating as the event could be.

Take me being in a wheelchair. Yes, it sucks. Yes, the healthcare system has all but failed me. Yes, I do make attempts to get my body back to where it once was. I never think that things could be better, because the idea of better is so damned subjective.

Will I walk again? No one has been able to give me a conclusive reason why not, so I’m going with a softy ‘probably’ for now. Do I want to? Of course I do. That’s why I try to walk everyday, only held back by the brain damaged I sustained that left me epileptic and has caused my muscles to react strangely to stimulus.

Do I really want things to be better?

Better than what? I have gone on rants discussing how I think the term “better” is bloody horrible. To paraphrase: Better than what? If your response was my current condition, then I have good news for you! I have gotten a lot further in some form of recovery! I mean: I still have brain damage and cannot walk on my own, but to dwell on that fact is futile. I’ll walk when I walk, and I won’t stop doing things until it starts to happen. Then, I’m planning on taking a four week nap and punching cute things endlessly.

I play. Of course there is no end to “improvement.” I do prefer that word over ‘better’ because improvement in quantifiable, but I digress.

So, why make the claim that things don’t get better over time? There is a chance that the person wants help instead of just sweeping proclamations. Instead of basically saying “stop bitching for now”, offer a hand. Even just the offer is all people want some times. If they turn it away, calmly and quietly leave the situation. There is a good chance they just need to vent in a semi-public fashion. Like screaming into the night and your neighbour accidentally hears you. FaceBook is just a way that the police will not get involved for public disturbances.

In eventual conclusion: no. I do not think things will get better. You just get used to the situation around you and learn to cope with it. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it means you’re learning! You’re adapting! Just know who you can turn to. There is no shame in asking for help.

Once more for the people in the back:

THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP.