Art & Freaking Out

I have been losing my mind, as of late. Back in February, I submitted my latest book to a publisher. They made it very clear that they will not even have the slightest feedback for at least six months. So, why am I freaking out this badly? Do I need a publisher for artistic expression?

Let’s start with the last question I posed. I love writing. I love the narratives that I come up with. As much as I enjoy an audience, I have and would continue to write for me. I kind of know the ways to do independent release, and I have connections to make things work mildly in that world.

This is the paragraph where I talk about the “BUT” in as great of detail as I can. I have been doing the independent artist thing for almost 15 years. I am not, and never was, good at it. I know this, and I am okay with the fact that I am horrible at social media/marketing.

EXAMPLE: did you, as someone who is reading this, know that I have a donation account? Hell: at $10/m, I’ll give your product or company a shoutout in my next vlog. I have probably mentioned part (if not all) of this endeavour before, or maybe I haven’t? (more info here)

Do you see why I know I am terrible at self-promotion?!

I was trying to explain to someone how writing is so different from art or music. The thing that I came up with is with art, people have opinions after a moment. Music, opinions can be instantaneous and accidental (came to see a different band, heard your song in a friends car, you posted a link to your latest whatever…). Even drama has the benefit of being engaging and exciting for a crowed (one hopes) and response is immediate. Opinions are given right away, longest one has to wait is an hour.

Writing, on the other hand, can take hours. I have waited a week or longer for an opinion on something. If I am stuck and asking for notes, it can take even longer. There have been several moments where I don’t receive any feedback at all.

Part of that longing for feedback is insecurity, I am well aware. After I released You’re Not Dead, I spent weeks combing over search results on Google, looking for reviews or mention from anything I was not expecting. It was like a drug that I needed, but I was never sure why that was the case.

I was not going to write anything about the submission because I am trying to keep expectations tamed, like anyone actually cares. I have been working away on another new book to keep my mind at ease, and I have so many plans and I am very excited about how it is turning out.

Yes: I am aware that was a run on sentence.

I did another Vlog

Don’t you enjoy how I make the fact that I did another video sound important?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy these. I felt like I needed to do something, as I have been slacking on writing here and in my next book.

I hope you have read and enjoyed the latest version of my last book. I have been in contact with another new publisher. I hope that I will have exciting news in that world soon.

I suck at silence

Random update on things: I have submitted a new manuscript to my publisher. I won’t know their opinion until the end of November, so you get to know nothing new or exciting about it either.

October has always felt like a busy month for most of my life. When I was in school, it was that month when everything finally came together. When I was working full-time, it was reluctantly gearing up for Christmas. In bands, it was counting things done the year prior for whatever paperwork had to be done. Just before I died, it was a trip to Iceland.

Between the book being submitted, finally, and things finally calming down at the homefront after a tumultuous year, I have this burning itch that something is going to go wrong. I have this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am going to offend someone, or say something stupid, or a plethora of things.

Please allow this to be a blanket apology: if I fuck something up, I probably did not mean whatever I said or did the way it came out. I am just losing my shit, and I am not sure why.

My initial plan was to record this all in a vlog on my channel. Then, I noticed that was last two updates were around 10 days apart. I am not opposed to that, but I do wish to refrain from setting some sort of president that implies that I will update on a regular schedule. I really do recommend subscribing mostly BECAUSE my schedule is so haphazard. I like to pretend it keeps things fresh and exciting! You will NEVER know when I have a new video to harass your everything with!

I’m probably just reading too far into everything again. I’m sorry.

I need to stop…

…saying that I *WILL* achieve something by an end to the year.

I have been writing a new book since May. It’s going well, and (though very different for me) I like it a lot. I promised a few posts ago (I’m not going to link it because I don’t care) that I will have draft one finished this year. Though I have made great strides, I am nowhere near a completion. I have written about 40,000 words so far, but I think I have only 1/3 of what I want to have for the finished product. 

Oh! Fun little distraction! I came across a couple of older works that are 90% complete as a collection of short stories! So, I think I’m going to fall into that world. The contract I signed with Olympia when I got picked up by them dictates that I have to give them my second work to appraisal. I think I want to keep the one I am working on, make it perfect, and have the freedom to go somewhere else. The last thing I want to do is to get something that is amazing locked into a place where I think it is being stifled.