Write Everything.

I found myself in a bit of a jam the other day. I knew I had to write, but I couldn’t find a voice or tone to use. My topics all seemed petty, my vocabulary was dower, and everything seemed wrong. So: I just wrote anyway.

The result? I wrote a script. Not a good one, but it did loosen up areas of insight in my mind. It seemed to be the concept that was drowning my thoughts and not allowing me to continue to write different things.

I will admit: it’s loosely based on a real conversation I had with someone. It paints “me” in a rather pretentious light and her in a horribly arrogant one. I enjoy it, but also acknowledge that it’s very poor in quality. I will be releasing it in the new year under the anewsinPublishing banner because I don’t like to hold anything back.

That brings me to the idea I want to put out there. I am a firm believer in that whatever comes to mind should be written down. That includes if it’s bad. Just get thoughts out there. I find myself stuck on, what feels like, nothing for days on end. I have a document on my desktop full of half-stories that will probably never see the light of day. I just need to get them out, then my brain is no longer full of stupid and generic shit.

Oh! I should mention that it’s my birthday on the 12th! I will be posting my usual masterbatory BIRTHDAY message then vanish for the remainder of the year, like I always do. I’m not entirely sure if it’s going to go the same way that it has in the past, though. I have “foam” coming out on the first, which I am stoked on finally releasing to everyone. I also have a couple applications for things that I want to address as soon as any sort of result comes from them.

It’s starting to be Christmas season once again. Please, consider donating to my Patreon so I can afford to give my wife something nice and my pets food. Even a dollar means the world!

No.

I have been stewing over this topic for days. The idea that you can do anything if you try hard enough, you can make it. I hate this concept, and I want to fight it to the best of my ability. The wall I hit, however, is that I cannot dispute the necessity of trying regardless of end position. If you work hard, you will be compensated. If you do not work hard, you will be repremanded. To assume that it just takes time and elbow greas to make it somewhere can actually be both heartbreaking, and damaging to standing in the greater endevour climate.

I spent over 10 years in bands trying my hardest to make it. There was a constant climb upwards in the scene, do not misunderstand my points, but I always put out multiple times what I made. I offset any sort of financial downfall with jobs. I did music because I loved it and needed to do something creative. I never had any illusions that I could live off of it, though it was an end goal.

That unfortunate reality goes for any artistic doing. You can try, you can succeed, and you can fail. Sometimes, all three in the same week. To assume that you are going to make it big is dangerous. It does happen, but it does not more often. There are so many things at play when considering a career in the arts, and doing one thing is often not the path to go down. To assume that if you just write that one song that everyone will love and you’ll be fine is actually a safer bet than believing that your band will do gang busters.

Another way to look at it: I was a drummer. That means, that under copyright laws in Canada for a musical composition, I had rights to the recordings of my drums. If the primary song writers could rerecord my drums without my knowledge, they could have stripped me of any financial rights. Lucky for me, I played with collections of stand-up people who never even thought of doing things like that. Instead, we kept playing. Getting gigs whenever we could, going on short tours, recording albums out of our pockets, and not eating.

10 plus years of that. Now, three years writing. No money made, but a fuck-tonne put out. That’s part of why I opened up the Patreon. just $1 a month gets you a subscription. That means you get a list of your name on this site, plus you get ansP releases about a month before anyone else in a fancy PDF! Hell, if you donate $10 a month, you get the pleasure of knowing that I consider you a fantastic human being and I will love you for a very long time! Your name gets put on the list with a little note of FANTASTIC put beside it. Even if you cancel your donation, or lower it, that denotation NEVER goes away!

Early release

I have sent out Patreon’s there copy of the next anewsin today. I know, it’s a day early, but I am equal parts excited and forgetful! I have a feeling that if I wait until tomorrow, I will forget.

Anyway, that got me thinking: why base an income on crowd funding? It’s very unreliable, kind of awkward, and kind of needy. Fuck knows that I hate asking for donations all the time. I hate having to set myself time limits to make sure that I live up to my end of the bargain.

Patreon is better than most of the others because I can offer a service for a little bit of money. Like, right now, $1 a month will get you a subscription to anewsinPublications and that will mean you get a link to a PDF one month before the story becomes available to the public! I think that’s hekin’ swell!

Some will argue that there is no point, and I won’t fight that. The stories do come out eventually, and they are always free. BUT! If you donate you make sure that my pets get fed! WHO DOESN’T LOVE MY PETS! (dontanswerthatbecausenoonethatswho)

There are other levels of donation. I cannot do cents, but $5 a month makes you the villain in a story I write, $6 makes you the hero (or at least the main) and stuff like that! There are so many new and exciting things that I want to write in the future! Please help me make that a reality!

Spam

I find myself at a genuine loss as to why spam comments and/or e-mails exist. I understand the point: to raise awareness of a product or service. My confusion comes from the question “does it actually work?” as opposed to why it exists at all.

I can only speak for me, but I do not check unsolicited e-mails and I filter dozens of comments on this site. I have never once been tempted to get a larger penis or see singles in my area. We all know of the anachronistic “member of royalty” that became disposed and needs to give you thousands to make sure that their fortune doesn’t fall into wrong hands.

Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe my cynicism is such to make me delete those without reading. Maybe both? I am not entire sure.

I derive a great deal of entertainment dispatching of such unwanted advertisements. I always go through and skim over the comments to see what ridiculous things are being marketed my way. Most of the time it’s related to the post, but occasionally I really have no idea where they get the concept that I might be interested.

What I really enjoy are the spam text messages: the messages where they are disguised as your phone carrier. However, when you track the number where they area code is based out of, it turns out to be a homestead in Winnipeg. Do people actually click those links blindly?

So, please fill the comment section under this post with the most brazen and confusing attempts at sales! If you are one to go along with spam, why? Finally, do you have any concepts on how to avoid it OTHER than spam filters?

Language is fun

I spent a large part of my morning trying to identify my favourite word. My vernacular is far from impressive, though I do tend to choose flowery ways of saying “I SPEEK GOOD WORDS! I ARE RITER!”

What did I come up with? Three words in particular: Abdicate, Schism, and Juxtapose. I find myself at a loss trying to choose between those three, simply because they are all so awesome!

Let’s be realistic: they are all stand-ins for easier ways of saying what they mean: Abdicate is simply when a royal gives up a position of power, Schism is just a split between two of something, and Juxtapose is the comparison and contrast between two ideas or items.

However, if you can, work them into day to day conversation, few people will question your convictions!

Like I mentioned in a previous post, Abdicate is fun to use wrong. Schism is fun, but you have to make sure you are using it properly: too many people (thanks to Tool) know what that one is. Juxtaposed remains as one of the more intimidating words. People know that it exists, but if you deftly use it, people assume you mean business. The best part is that it doesn’t sound too ridiculous as for people to look at you strangely. The simple definition makes it easy to place in conversation, and it’s really easy to spell!

The greatest thing about these words is that you can say them without people realizing you are just using 5 cent words to be a douche! Unlike ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ where you just sound arrogant, these words can be slipped into conversation easily.

I just can’t…

The following is a post that I’m writing while I’m depressed. There is no reason to worry, I just thought I’d get my emotions out unedited and maybe this will explain why I am the way I am. Not for you, dear reader. I hope that it will allow for introspection, and allow me to figure out my brain a bit better.

I have, ever since I saw Amanda Palmer, championed the idea that writing while actually depressed is very difficult. I know that, for me, I become hyper critical.

I mean, I looked at the title for this post for about 25 minuets to decide if it was too flashy for this experiment, or not flashy enough. After all: I am trying to garnish an audience. At the same time, I am trying to avoid clickbait and concern.

The pride that I take in the image I portray is pathetic. Even to me. I want to be seen as strong; as a kind of guide for the people that have been struck down later in life by a disability. I don’t have any credentials, but I think I’m doing an okay job figuring shit out.

I digress. What kind of depressed am I today? Just a melancholy level of morose and leads me to come off as caring more than I should. That sounds almost malicious: I should say that I come off as overly empathetic. The feelings are real, but the delivery seems almost fake. I think, anyway. I could be wrong. I just feel like I am costing through the miasma of life, and I will do almost anything that seems like a good idea to someone.

This is the mood I was in when I started smoking. I had a friend who smoked, thought I came off as disturbed, and tossed me a cigarette to help me calm down. I really would never blame my smoking on someone else, but I want to be truthful in this.

So, yeah. This has been a deconstruction of what my depressed brain thinks. If I post this, it will be unedited from this point on. I have done very little in the mean time, and I think I have done okay. I am saying that without reading everything over, so if I’m wrong, all the better.

One thing I do want to say; I am writing about what goes on in my own head. None of this is a representation of depression in everyone. If you are depressed, or know someone who is depressed, contact someone who is trained on how to help.

Anyway, I feel I have rambled on enough. Something I am finding very hard to do is to leave this “article” alone as a kind of stamp and evolution of my mood. I am sorry if it gets a bit rambly at times. I am sorry if this ending is anti-climatic. I feel silly closing off what I wrote with a paragraph like this. I just need to tell everyone, especially you, that it will all be okay. It may not seem like it, but we’ll all survive this hell. Maybe we won’t be able to do it alone, but there is always someone out there. Even when it’s hard as hell to find someone, they are out there. At the very least, you have me.

5 ways to be happier

  1. Stop assuming everything can be settled in a simple list.

I find it depressing when people turn to lists to better their life. I get the appeal: a list would make everything much easier. There is something comforting to know that changes that are described in one or two sentences can make everything dandy. Life is both more complicated and more diverse than that. I could say five things that are true for me that would have absolutely no bearing on your life. Hell, it’s tempting to do a list for anything.

Top 5 Blog Topics
Top 5 Ways to Make Everyone Love You
Top 5 Top 5 Lists to Shock and Delight

In the event that I do make a top 5, all the numbers would just be 1. “NUMBER 1 IS A REAL SHOCKER!”

I digress. My point is that finding solace in a simple list seems lazy. The overall purpose of at least 70% of the blogs that I have come across is to give insight into lives you don’t have to live. As a blogger, I hope that you can relate to some of the premisses, not the whole story.

“Hey, he died and came back to life! That shows how to cope with hardship!” Or whatever.

It could be compared to your favourite movies. Actually think about your sick-day watch. Do you want the life they lead? Are the good parts good on their own, or are they good because of the difficulty leading up to it?

The only recommendation I could give to living a better life is to just deal with whatever comes your way. THAT’S ALL I GOT! If I had more, I probably wouldn’t have such need to get thoughts out on this page.

R.I.P. Tumblr

I deleted my Tumblr today (the 15th of September). The reason for said deleting comes off as mildly petty, but I feel it sound.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a thing making a half-plea to normalize the word “cripple.” I was aware that the article was incomplete, but I was asking the wheelchair community on Tumblr for any help in writing, if they agreed with my point.

The article was up for not two hours before I was forced to take it down. I was being harassed, called the next hitler, called an Abilist, people claimed that I was faking being in a wheelchair to maintain any sort of credibility whilst trying to undermine the community…

Long story short: I took down the article shortly after posting it. I got several angry messages and threats of harm for the next few days, and finally I just killed the whole thing. I just kept the Tumblr alive to post things on my off-days on here, and with the new schedule, I don’t have to worry so much about that.

I will miss a few things, like ‘screenshotsofdespare‘ and ‘sterility‘. Not to mention that Tumblr, as a whole, has a fantastic sense of humour on occasion. I have been taking more of a liking to Twitter as of late, anyway.

Anyway, that is my long-winded explanation of why I got rid of my Tumblr.

Do what you say you will.

Something that has been literally holding my life back is people making empty promises. I couldn’t tell you how often I am told that someone will do something, then either don’t come through, or pretend that the conversation never happened.

Now, it is something entirely different if you say “I’m going to visit every so often” then fail to do so. That falls under the category of wishful thinking. Therefore, you’re a dick, but you haven’t ruined lives or bailed on anything greater than a nice gesture.

The kind of promises that I am talking about is saying something along the lines of offering to pay for a service, only to renege that offer past the point of no return. Especially when the decision was made only because you make yourself available on fallback.

Example: when I published my first book, I did so independently. That is to say that I paid for printing, editing, and distribution. Now, I did this with no expectation to be paid by anyone for doing any of it, but I was promised by a third party that they would reimburse me for what I have put out. I made sure, triple checked, then went ahead with aditional things that made the publication easier. Thing that I would not have bothered with if I wasn’t promised that they would cover the whole cost.

I am well aware that it was expensive: it cost me around three-thousand upfront. My issue lies with the idea that I dropped another two-thousand on advertising and localization that I would not have if I didn’t think that the initial was going to be covered.

Now, is that my fault? I cannot say that it’s not. I didn’t wait for the money to appear before I spent more. If I was smarter, I would have waited for the exchange before I went ahead and dropped more onto that failing venture.

Please, keep in mind: I say failing because I made back about a fifth of what I put into the project. I do NOT regret the book, though I do feel like the rewrite that I have half completed is MUCH better. More news on that in the coming weeks.

That is one, very shallow, example of what I am talking about. I could go into issues surrounding school, medical stuff, rent, dogs, food, and all of this would ignore the times that I have been in a good financial standing and had my questions disregarded to generate a much worse situation. I am not going to bring up spacifics. There is too high of risk of the people involved reading this and realizing that I am talking about them, and I don’t want to deal with any of it right now.

I guess this devolved into a rant about money. Again. It seems to be a reocuring topic on this blog, and I am very sorry about that. I very much wish that I could ignore money and just focus on other things, like writing and walking.

Side-note: does anyone else find it mildly offensive that society puts so much emphasis on walking? I realize that this comes off as me justifying me not walking, but that just strengthens my point. The fact that I don’t walk shouldn’t make me seem like a burden or someone you need to caudle. In fact, what I have survived (both medically and in life) should inspre the opposite reaction from people. I AM OKAY. I WILL SURVIVE.

Another aside, please consider giving to my Patreon. I am okay, physically and mentally. I cannot afford to feed my dogs some weeks, though. I might be okay physically or whatever, but that doesn’t mean that I can hold a traditional job. Plus, everyone is so close to hitting the $100 mark! I want to do something amazing for that number. I want to post something fascinating, or do a video, or bake dinner for people, or SOMETHING. If you have ideas, place them in the comments below. Please, consider helping me hit that mark. Even just a dollar is fucking fantastic. PLUS and the ansP subscription is only $1 right now! That means you get releases early!

i’m changing

Fuck the every Sunday bull that I have been adhering to for just shy of five years. I have many things that I want to say. I write them down, then put them through an editing hell before I decide to not release them because they have become a shell of what they were. They no longer have the teeth or impact of what they did.

On that note: I am boring. I really don’t think I would have enough for two or three updates a week. Some weeks, I go days without anything of note to write down. That, coupled with my Patreon slowly dwindling (which makes it hard to argue when people question why I write) and I find myself either writing entirely too much, or nothing at all.

I’m not demanding money, but I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to $100 a month. I think I topped out at $97? $98?

I am well aware that I was almost at $200 for three months, but that was due to a temporary donation spike that I knew was going away. It feels cheap to use that as a benchmark when I knew that someone was going to give way too much until they couldn’t afford it because they knew their job couldn’t support it.

Anyway, would everyone be okay if i just went to random and abundant updates? It means that I am less likely to take a break, more likely to have actually good content, and I can take care of what presses me when I need to.

Example of that last one: I am an idiot and have two new books on the way. I have NO CLUE when they will even mildly be presentable, I just thought I’d share that factoid.

SEE? I am just going to launch this post up when I am done writing it, and the next one will be on Sunday, as usual. ansP will still come out on the first of every-other month, but blog posts will be sporadic and, hopefully, better. There is a goo d chance there will be more because I like to have traffic!