Tag: wordpress

I need to be sad.

I wanted to write a very long, and important, post today. I got about half way through when I realized something: it was missing the bite that I had envisioned in my head.

I had this whole monologue about the importance of feeling important. I had a conversation with someone who said that I made them feel like I was the only person who cared most days, and I thought that I was just having a nice conversation with them. I am not a great person, but in that moment, I was the best person they had ever met.

The post I had envisioned was self deprecating, biting, and funny. I had this whole bit about how amazing you are, and how everyone should be treating everyone how they should be treated, not just how they think that they should be treated. I had this concept on how I wanted to show how you should be treated. I had diagrams and pictures and ideas for an interview and…

THEN I WOKE UP AND HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION.

It turns out that I need to be not happy to write anything good. NOT DEPRESSED, but not happy. When I’m not happy, I am willing to be a little darker. I find myself funnier, or failing humour, more interesting. When I am depressed, I’m just a fucking mess, but not happy: it’s more fun to read!

At least, that’s the way I look at my stuff. I have reread stuff that I have written when happy, and I hate all of it. Even when I’m in the same mental state I was in when it was written, I find it boring and uninspired. Even this post I find scattered and annoying.

Maybe I’m manic? I shouldn’t self diagnose. I read far to into different quirks and states of mind when I do that. It’s almost like I become a mental hypochondriac when looking into mental health stuff.

PushingUpRoses did a fantastic video on youtube talking about BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The video is great. My stupid brain was all “I HAVE THAT” until I remembered that I don’t. I know I have friends who have a variation of BDD, and they should really watch that video. Actually, I think anyone who has any interest in mental health should really look into that video. Especially if you think you know everything about mental health, watch that I remember that you know nothing.

For example, I know enough about mental health to admit that I know absolutely nothing, and I think that is a good thing to admit.

An update on the site

I just updated the PodCast page.

Nothing too exciting, just amended a note on the frequency of updates. I initially put that I was going to do an update on the first of every month, but I have found it difficult to stick to that schedule. Not that it’s too frequency, but instead I am recording them with fervor. I find myself in situations where I am thinking of things that I would rather say in person as opposed to in text.

I am still uploading them as podcast’s on top of the “vlog” styles, because I know there are a few people who prefer that.

I have kind of(?) changed direction. I do them more as a life update, as opposed to my initial plan to stick to the arts. They are still heavily focused on the arts, however. Have I pointed out how important the arts are lately? Seriously: they are important.

I have also been considering dedicating a page to epilepsy and how to deal with. I am woefully underqualified, but I have come across some “important” notes that I feel I need to address: like how you should never put something in the mouth of someone having a seizure. I will leave that to the masses as to whether I write something like that or not. I would need to outsource parts (see aforementioned unqualified), but I feel like I should compile the resources I have. At the very least, I could help save some teeth.

Normalize sadness

I posted a status on my Facebook that was a statement of fact. It was self-effacing, mildly depressing, but it was NOT a statement speaking of my mental placement at this moment.

The status was something to the idea that no one would notice if I died outside of me wishing them a happy birthday in my silly way that I do.

I didn’t pay much heed to the replies that I received outside of being touched. To be clear: I loved what everyone had to say. I love each and everyone of you.

It got me fixated on the fact that any negative statement results in people worrying if you are okay. The point of me doing the depressing update month is to bring light to that point. There are days where I, and I can only speak for me, find life too daunting to not say anything. Sometimes I feel like screaming into the abyss to NOT have it scream back.

Now, there are days where I want reassurance. I want to have people reach out and say something nice and to remind me that I am not alone in this horrible existence. It does not, necessarily mean that everything is too much that day. It might just be as simple as a lyric, or a quote taken way out of context.

Regardless, if you feel someone is posting about depressing things, don’t shame them for wanting attention. You don’t have to be the one to give it if you feel that it’s inappropriate. If you think that it’s completely unwarranted, ask before chastising.

Fun little thing about Facebook, in particular: you can unfollow someone without unfriending them. If you are offended by someone’s words, just do that. If you aren’t going to be nice, don’t be there at all. Don’t scream from the heavens that you don’t appreciate someone’s words, and don’t make them feel bad because there is a risk that it may be genuine. Yes, you might be a great friend. You might know that person is surrounded by fantastic people. You might even covet part of their existence.

Always remember: YOU AREN’T THAT PERSON.

They might be having a bad day that you know NOTHING about. They might be struggling with something that they don’t want to talk about. They might have undiagnosed or diagnosed depression and deal with everything in ways you cannot understand.

Just let them vent.
Let them be.
Be kind.

2020 in review

I am writing this restraining myself from just writing “HAHAHA YOU ARE ALMOST DONE” and leaving it at that.

In fact, I would argue that this year is one of the most important years in my life.

Yes, it was brought on by pain, but the BLM movement coupled with the worst pandemic in a very long time showed us the human strength. We saw an attempt of the rise of fascism* thwarted. We found a vaccine for the aforementioned pandemic developed in record times, though the long-term effects are still to be discovered.
*THIS IS MY OPINION

The main places that are going to be effected are the arts. There have been mass permanent closures of music venues, theaters are closing doors, and museums are vanishing (kind of). It is almost like an artistic reset. Some would argue that it was needed: the reset will force a change in industries that have dominated and destroyed avenues, resulting in a stifling of change. Most would agree that we will not see the change take hold until the future.

As of the time of writing this (December 17th), schools have been allowed to reopen in Ontario. I will not voice opinions on the matter: you can ask me directly on my FaceBook page if you are curious. Ontario has seen a spike in cases not seen since the first cases were identified on Western borders. Again, I will keep speculation out of this.

CyberPunk finally got released! I, personally, am not upset in regards to its performance on previous gen consoles, nor am I offended that we are still seeing issues almost a decade after its first announcement. The game is massive, complicated, and ground-breaking: issues should not be a surprise, and I have faith that CD Projekt Red will fix it eventually. Call me “the eternal optimist”, but fixing something as broken as it’s been reported would look amazing on them. Especially if they can do so without putting their employees through the dreaded “crunch” to complete it.

I did not explore many new releases this year, so I am not even going to pretend to do a rundown on new music that came out this year. I don’t even have a worthy opinion on new shows that came out, though I will probably release some sort of opinion regarding the new Archer season in the coming weeks.

Anyway, I will close with a “FUCK YOU, 2020!” because, even though I consider it a very important year, it still sucked. Here’s to the hope that 2021 is less abusive.

Holy Something Inappropriate!

I actually hit the mark I wanted to hit!

I have 200 WordPress followers!

Yes: a good portion of those are probably bots or spam, I am well aware of that. Some of them are actual people! Some of them are fantastic people!

Some of them I should really converse more with; alas, I’m a shy bastard.

ANYWAY!

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

almost there…

I’m not going to lie: this post is kind of being written to push my numbers over an edge. If I get 60ish people to read this, I have had my best year since 2016!

I must say, I am super proud of what I have done here. In five years, I have written over 176 thousand words, and have had over 18 thousand views. I started writing this to get my story out, and have let the posts evolve into a self-gratifying mess that people still enjoy reading for some reason. I have written two and-a-half books, and am working on the next one. I have 197 wordpress followers, and hope to hit 200 by the new year. I have 170 followers on my FaceBook page, and 12 on my YouTube channel (that I have only started posting to with some regularity).

My point being that this decade has sucked, brutally, when it comes to my being. The major plus side is that it has been amazing to grow in other ways. I hope that the next decade could be even marginally better, though I have plans to make my next year better than this decade was, and nothing you say or do can stop me from trying.

As mentioned, I have a new book being written, and my plan is to have it done by mid next year. I have tried the independent release thing, and I was not successful at it. I’m not regretting the release of You’re Not Dead, but it really did not even break even. AS I type this, I received a notification that I was charged for pressing renewal, and in spite of being doubled in length, it did not even break even with last years renewal.

I have been kind of writing the next podcast. I have to backtrack and further explain some things, but I think it will be worth the confusion. I am going to link the last two together in a more cohesive structure.

Anyway, I plan on making this my last update for the year. So Happy Holidays! I love you all! Tell your friends to come say hi! Depress someone, buy my book! I will write to you again in the new year!

Patreon Update

I cleaned up the Patreon (clink that link to consider helping out) site as much as I could. No new categories were added, but I removed the redundant ones.

Keep in mind: you still get a place in the “Thank You” section of the end of my book for continued support. I am not going to say when the new book will be done, but I have given the three chapters to a couple of friends of mine for opinions. They see where I am going with it, and are rather excited to see where it goes*.

*Their words, not mine.

Why I write about music.

I am very certain I have written about this topic before, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to search through hundreds of self-indulgent words mixed in with only a small amount of importance.

First and foremost; I think music is THE most important thing in life. I realize that you cannot consume it for nutrients, therefore it can be argued that food is the most important. This is MY blog and I will make my sweeping statements that cannot be backed up in anyway!

AHEM: I make that claim trying to keep my past out of the equation. It’s not a secret that I spent more than a decade working very closely with the music industry. Hell, I worked at a record store for seven years. I was playing on albums and playing shows since 2005. I produced a few albums and EP’s. I have almost 40 days worth of music sitting on my hard drive. I ran a record label. I review albums because it’s fun and I think I don’t suck at it…

So, why put music above everything?

It’s the one medium that collaborates every aspect of the arts while being recognized by every single culture.

What about the deaf?
They can feel beats and rhythm, and can even tap out an approximate flow if they can focus on the direction of the metre. As far as writing guitar or piano, if they know their music theory, they can easily do that. Not to mention that, if they went deaf later in life, they can probably remember things that sound good together.

Now, to elaborate on my claim about combining every art. To combine poetry and music seems like a simple task, but after watching others do it for years, I now can confirm that it is not as easy as one might think initially. You need to keep flow and metre in mind, as well as emotional weight and emphasis. That’s two of the arts down.

Let’s keep going.

Album art takes care of the visual arts, on the surface and immediate level, anyway. Again, I ran (a very bad and unprofessional) record label for years. Visual representation does generate sales, as shallow as that sounds.. If the album cover is appealing, people are more likely to pick it up. I am under the impression that is why vinyl came back in a large way: the larger cover plus the appeal of having something tangible.

(That’s what drew me in, anyway.)

Let us not forget music and lyric videos. Though music videos have kind of shrank in importance, the few that come out can greatly add OR detract from the appeal of the music. Lyric videos are huge.

Stage performance is a kind of acting. Even the “roots” acts one may see have cultivated that image, whether it be intentional or not. I have played with many acts who (consciously or subconsciously) do a full change when they go on stage. As a musician, you learn to play off the crowd expectation. That could be reactions to a previous move you make, or observations on how the other acts that evening maintain the attention of the masses.

So, after explaining all of this: let’s get back to the initial question of why I write about music so often!

  1. I love everything about music. The concept, the sound, the feel… Every part of music makes everything in my life have context, and it’s very hard for me to go a day without thinking critically about it in some way.
  2. I think that it is important. Whether it is in regards to mental or physical healing, the effects that it has on a being cannot be ignored. I cannot be bothered to source all the facts I know, so I’ll just bring up the emotional well-being it brings myself. I know that music makes me happier, and therefore I try to do things in life. Without music, I would have little context for waking up in the morning.
  3. I’m good at it. Well, I think I’m good at it. I at least find it fun to do, and if you don’t like it, stop reading my blog.

With all of this said, if there is a topic that you would like me to explore in further depth, please get hold of me somehow. I have been contacted by .no funeral. records to examine a few of their releases, and I am excited to roll those out over the next bit.

Let’s do more!

I have been contemplating what else to do outside of writing and producing. I have considered bolstering my YouTube channel, but that would feel forced. I am currently working on a new book, so writing a screenplay on the side seems a bit cumbersome. I cannot draw, and really do not have an urge to learn.

This is the conundrum that I find myself in: I feel like I should be doing more in the arts, but I have no idea where to put my effort into. Even worse, I hate everything I do even when I am told it’s okay. Hating everything you do is kind of the “artist-dilemma” though. I have yet to meet anyone doing anything involving some sort of art who thinks that their work is greater-than-par. I have met a few who think that they are hitting a new niche, which is cool.

I just keep holding out that Hannah will give me new Chance Procedure things to work on. I made that video for Patient Zero a while ago, and I have an itch to make that a full song. I have been in studio enough to know that you have to be prepared, so I’m not pushing as hard as I could.

Oh! Interesting fact; my old singer (Rahib) just had his birthday! I don’t know why I had an urge to share that on this blog, but there it is! He’s 30, so he is 15 days older than my little brother.

Side note: have you picked up the latest version of my book? It’s almost 3X larger, more grammatically correct, and (I might be biased, but) WAY better. I mean, it’s 1230298341X more depressing, but WAY better. Amazon finally updated some shit, though it’s still awkward to navigate. I have done everything I can on my end to make it easier. Review comes out soon, I hope!

International Wheelchair Day?

Did you know that there is an International Wheelchair Day on the first of March? I had no idea. I have things to say on the matter:

Yes, I do think it’s a good thing to have. It reminds people that there are some of us in a wheelchair. There are a lot of us, for sure. However, there is a very small percent of the world population. I feel like pointing out that fact may create a social backlash revoking some accessibility actions.

I would love to be proven wrong. I want the world to be accessible. Not even for me, but for everyone. Let’s face it: who doesn’t love being able to reach things on a top shelf? Who wouldn’t benefit from lighter, more accessible doors? I am not saying that a ramp into every location is nessissary, but not having access to even a temporary one, is just selfish at this point.

I am not going to go out of my way to make an issue at every place I go if they are not accessible. That’s not my job, and it is too large of an issue to put on one person. I am going to scream into the internet and point out just how STUPID it is when things aren’t. If you are a store, you are cutting yourselves off of a potential source of revenue.

I went on a rant a few months ago over on Twitter about how stupid it is when companies brag about having accessible parking now, only because not having it stunts any potential client growth, but now I am going to leave this here as a point of rally for people with disabilities of all sorts to raise their voices. I know that there are some things that are impossible to plan for, but at least companies should try. Just try.

Wow: got sidetracked there. My initial point was how I didn’t know International Wheelchair Day was a thing. I blame society. Yep. Point finally concluded.